I've never seen Jon & Kate Plus Eight, so before Jon & Kate's tabloid coronation to the upper eschelons of "People Who People Like To Talk About," I only knew three things about them: 1. Their names are Jon & Kate 2. They have eight children that they sold to TLC. 3. They're not as freakish as the Duggars (who are, obviously, the family freak reality show gold standard).
Since their marriage imploded, however, I've learned much more about them from the tabloids, namely: 4. Kate's hairstyle is a joke to everyone but Kate, and 5. Even though it was Jon who was caught allegedly cheating, the tabloids really, really hate Kate. Every story is about how Kate is mean, and tan, and controlling, and terrible—So much so that apparently Jon got jealous and is now trying to get some of that sweet negative tabloid attention that Kate (and her hairstyle) have been selfishly hogging for far too long.
How To Become A Tabloid Villain:
1. Always ask yourself: How can this be tackier?
For example, going on a very public trip to the South of France with your 23-year-old girlfriend just weeks after announcing your separation is pretty tacky. But if your 23-year-old girlfriend also happens to be the daughter of the plastic surgeon who performed your estranged wife's tummy tuck? Congratulations, you've somehow made it so much tackier:
Just weeks after splitting from his wife of 10 years, Jon Gosselin is back in the spotlight with a new career and a new girlfriend. Gosselin, 32, turned up in St. Tropez hand-in-hand with Hailey Glassman, the daughter of the plastic surgeon who performed Kate’s tummy tuck in 2006.
2. Launch a hideous clothing line, or, better yet, sell your kids to an existing hideous clothing line.
And, following the "always be tackier" rule: Don't just wear Ed Hardy—Sell your kids to Ed Hardy!
The lovebirds spent the weekend along the French Riviera so Gosselin could finalize a deal to design his own line of children’s clothing with Ed Hardy designer Christian Audigier. Glassman will also have a hand in creating the kid-friendly fashions. “She’ll have a lot of input with Christian,” Gosselin told PEOPLE of Hailey’s involvement. “And I will, too.” And don’t forget the plus eight — Gosselin tells PEOPLE that his eight kids, who spent the weekend with Kate at the family’s Pennsylvania home, will model his designs in ads for the line. Audigier tells PEOPLE that he approached Gosselin with the idea after noticing that the reality show dad often wore his tattoo-inspired T-shirts on Jon and Kate Plus Eight. “He’s huge,” says the French designer, who may also collaborate with Gosselin on a specialty motorcycle collection. “Everyone knows this family. And everyone will know our clothes. They’ll be fun, easy clothes for kids.”
Yikes. Kids shouldn't have to see Ed Hardy clothes, let alone wear them. That loud hissing you hear, Jon, is the collective "tsk-tsking" of thousands upon thousands of moms standing in checkout lines, seething with disgust at your face on the covers of their tabloids. Good work!
3. If at all possible, be photographed in the vicinity of a giant, banana-yellow phallus aboard a yacht in the South of France, next to a "designer" whose skin has been tanned to resemble a deflated basketball.
Good work, Jon. You've effectively swayed all the negative attention towards yourself with just one weekend jaunt to Le Ed Hardy, France. Unless Kate figures out a way to make her hair yell at the kids, you're definitely the tabloid villain this week.