How To Become A Contestant On America's Next Top Model:
1. Turn to face the direction of Bankable Productions at least five times a day and genuflect.
2. Practice your "Tyra's here!" shriek in the mirror. Should you become a contestant, you'll be required to do this at least once a day, so it must at least appear to be genuine.
3. Learn to stifle your laughter. Unless Tyra laughs first, here is no laughter on ANTM, which is especially difficult because everything on ANTM is a joke.
4. Never abandon your heels.
5. Gimmicks are important. Do you have a learning disability? A sob story that Tyra can pretend to care about? Epilepsy? Well, bring it up at the audition and never stop bringing it up.
6. At the casting call, if a "regular guy" walks around asking for everyone's names, social security numbers, and headshots, give him all the information he wants! It's probably a set-up for a photo shoot about identity theft. Tyra is a genius.
7. When stampeding, don't forget to stampede with your eyes.
Technically, the street is littered with one heel and one flat, and these women weren't auditioning to be "models" but "Temporary Cover Girl Hip Slicks Commercial Fillers," but otherwise great reporting, CBS News 2. If you unfocus your eyes and gaze deeply at that shaky cell phone video of panicked ANTM wannabes, you can see Tyra's face pop out in 3-D. It's the world's worst Magic Eye.