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Illustration for article titled iHeroes/i: I Am Sylar
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Am I the only one who shouted this at the screen just about every few seconds? After all, tonight's episode was filled with very "special" moments, in which the characters do specific things because of specific issues they are trying to work out—because, get this, what they're talking about isn't actually what they are talking about. Then they go to other places and talk some more. Wasn't this an action show at one point? They don't even show most of the shapeshifting anymore, it just happens off-camera.

So this is how things are going to be, I guess. Nothing goes on plot-wise, and we're left with a bothersome, convoluted mess to sort through at the end of each episode. Tonight was certainly no different; in fact, I think I can sum up the entire plot in just a few seconds: Parkman returns with his son to Los Angeles, reunites with his ex-wife, rescues her from the government agents about to take her down. Hiro and Ando try to get captured so they can see what the feds are up to; Hiro uses Ando as bait; Hiro rescues Ando, and they escape together. Sylar pals around with Danko some more, eventually running into Rebel. Bennet, Claire, and Mama Petrelli are recaptured.

But oh, so much more went down between the lines. Here are moments that actually existed:

  • Parkman is apparently also infused with the ability to love whatever is put in front of him, with no question. After reuniting with his baby, he goes on and on about how he fell in love with him upon first sight, and how there is nothing more important in the world than keeping him safe. Then he sees his ex-wife, and in no time at all, he wants to start a life with her and watch his son grow up. It's a good thing he told us. There's no way he would have to come around to that conclusion slowly, like a normal human being. Oh yeah, and his car commercial sucked.
  • Hiro and Ando bicker about forming a team, and Ando extremely quickly comes to the conclusion that Hiro is jealous of the fact that Ando now has powers of his own—that he's no longer the lone gunman.
  • Hiro freezes time, and Ando freezes too. So Ando runs around and tries on soldiers' sunglasses. Then Hiro unfreezes time so Ando can get shot, and he can use his friend as bait to find out where the government is taking people. But later, in the van, Hiro and Ando knock everyone out. Mission failed, right? Nope, they steal the agent's phones, with embedded GPS (a feature on all fine Sprint products), and click on the Favorites—under "secrets"—to find out where they are going. That plan would never have worked a few hours ago, oh no sir.
  • Then Hiro and Ando make up after nothing new happens, and Hiro's nose bleeds when he tries to fiddle with time manipulation. JUST LIKE ON LOST!
  • Meanwhile, Sylar is having trouble with his many identities. He's slowly becoming the people he, well, becomes, and this troubles him. Because he is mother fuckin' Sylar. And because the writers needed another unnecessary reason to make Sylar tormented. So he writes his name on his arm, etches it on the wall in blood, repeats it to himself multiple times, has conversations with his mother, played by himself, for hours, in which he tells himself that he is having trouble figuring out who he is. Who? Who?!? WHOOOOOOOOOO?
  • But he knows enough to not take out Micah when he finds him, because Micah says he knows who he is. Ooh, he knows, does he? Therefore, he must live, and crash on the man's couch until the next morning, when it's revealed that Micah thinks Sylar is a hero. Sylar demands he leave immediately.
  • Danko might be dead now.
  • Maybe Mohinder too. Cuz one minute you're just hangin' out in that shack, lookin' at some film; next minute you're tranqued.

But here's my guess: Sylar actually is a hero. See, get this, it's classic Heroes: They take this guy in a bunch of ridiculous directions throughout the season, then hint at something the episode before the finale. Then, when it comes time to end this sucker, the thing from the last episode becomes the most important thing in the world. Heroes does not trust you to remember anything that happened at any moment in the past, so this is what substitutes as resolution in these parts. I can wait until next week!

There is absolutely nothing to enjoy about this episode.

Grade: F

Stray observations:

  • Seriously, I cannot reiterate how stupid the Sylar talking to himself stuff was. What's next, he's going to become Nathan in front of Nathan and talk to him as Nathan? Answer: Yes.

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