For the season finale of Heroes, we figured we'd change things up from the usual middling-to-terrible grade-giving and instead boot up the ol' live blog starting at around 7:45pm central time tonight. It's fair to say that the three people who've been covering the show here (me, Steve Heisler, and Sean O'Neal) have grown pretty weary of it—and so have you, considering the number of people who say they don't watch the show anymore, they just read the re-caps. So will we cover it next season? It's hard to say. Maybe the next few months without Heroes will make us miss the ol' girl. (Yeah, doubtful.) So in case this is the last Heroes re-cap ever at The A.V. Club, we're going out in a blaze of snarky glory. We're even bringing Mr. O'Neal back—he quit watching the show earlier this season.
Oh, hi there guys. I didn't hear you come in. (It's Steve, btw.) Welcome to one last Heroes bitch session, however brief.
So what did we learn tonight, friends?
- No matter how long Hiro is away from the major action, he will always show up at the very end, do an extremely minimal amount of time traveling/manipulation, and call it a day.
- To the show's final moments, characters will continue to repeat, ad nauseum, what their powers are, and how they are used. If I took a shot every time Angela Petrelli said, "I had a dream," I would have taken roughly 3-5 shots. And this is the finale of season three, we need none shots.
- For a guy so good at reading people's minds, Parkman does a terrible job at figuring out what's in his own. He's already forgotten about Daphne (but, but, he loved her!) and moved on to taking care of this new family. Which is his old family. Who he saw for a few minutes.
- Claire looks miserable in her new haircut, especially when old man Sylar is sniffing her up and down. Ew, buddy. Leave the May/December stuff to Peter Petrelli.
- Mohinder knows about everything about everything, always, under every circumstance, and his voiceover continues to be annoying as shit.
- Whatever big bad evil they have been building up to for most of the season, the writers will inevitably abandon it one episode before the finale and replace it with something stupid (Sylar shaking the president's hand). Then they will resolve it with something they introduced not three minutes earlier (Peter taking Sylar's shapeshifting power, so he becomes the prez and tricks Sylar). No one will be fazed, except Madame Dignity.
- Peter and Sylar will always fight behind closed doors, because NBC is too cheap to supply any sort of budget for anything other than that shrill soundtrack.
- The show will never rid itself of Ali Larter. (Did she sign some sort of lifetime contract or something?) Now she's controlling the water. And our hearts!
- Even if you thought the show couldn't possibly get any more idiotic for the finale, it will find a way to do so. No, really, the way they wrapped this up (oh, Nathan died, btw) was to have Parkman go into Sylar's head, convince him that he's actually Nathan, then tell the rest of the people to go on with their lives. And burn Nathan Darth Vader style.
Heroes: Still stupid after all these hour.