Last night, all of Hollywood pretended that awards voted on by a shadowy organization of junket-loving, online scrap-booking "journalists" really mattered, and we all happily watched them indulge in that delusion. Nick Lachey's girlfriend asked Stanley Tucci if he related to his murdering pedophile character in The Lovely Bones. Julia Roberts wore a magical amulet and couldn't keep her guffaws to herself. A tanned approximation of Guiliana Rancic shouted declarative sentences in Italian ("Elisabetta! Sono Italiana!") at George Clooney's Italian girlfriend. It literally rained on Ryan Seacrest's parade. And that was just the endless red-carpet pre-show!

Once inside the hotel ballroom, Ricky Gervais presided over the best Golden Globes since 2007 (that was the year that the show was cancelled due to the writer's strike and Billy Bush's glass eyes bored a hole into the teleprompter as he lifelessly read off the names of the winners, aka Best Golden Globes Ever). Of course, it would probably be more accurate to say that Ricky Gervais presided over the best 10 minutes of the Golden Globes, since that was essentially all the time our host was allotted for his hosting. Still, Gervais made a much better MC than last year's MC: The bottles of Moet sitting in sweating buckets on all the tables. For one thing, those bottles of Moet never zinged Mel Gibson. (Well, not with words, anyway.)   


Gervais was casually funny with what he was given. And he was the perfect host for the Golden Globes because he clearly put about as much effort into hosting as the HFPA put into choosing their nominees and winners, which is to say about as long as it takes to flip through People's Best/Worst of 2010 issue. As for the rest of the show, below you'll find some superlatives.

Worst Harrison Ford Impression: Harrison Ford.

Maybe Ford didn't have enough time to get into character before presenting? (He has to say, "Get off my plane!" a minimum of five times to properly get into the "Harrison Ford" head-space.) Although, to be fair, it was raining—which is never an optimal condition for animatronics.


Best use of decorative loofahs: Tie, Drew Barrymore and Julienne Moore.

Moore clearly went with the dark and mysterious goth loofah sewn onto what appears to be a haute-couture approximation of a rotten banana peel:


While the butterflies in Drew Barrymore's head went with the whimsical, sparkly loofahs:


Worst "Speaking Truth To Power" Moment: Julia Roberts

"Who's Natalie?" Zing! Julia Roberts is keeping it real—which is a privilege afforded to mega-millionaire movie stars who are confident in their unending popularity and apparently close personal friends with the First Lady. She wore a Coldwater Creek tunic to The Golden Globes, y'all. Julia Roberts just don't give a fuck! Cause she doesn't have to. Cause she's Julia fucking Roberts.


Does it still count as "speaking truth to power" if you're joking about NBC and you're one of the most famous, successful movie stars of the past 20 years who is thoroughly unaffected by anything happening at any television network?

Best Default Reaction Shot: Arnold Schwartzenegger, in his natural, fully clenched state.


"Who should we cut to during the German-speaking guy's speech?"

"Someone German! Where's Heidi Klum? Dammit, get a shot of Heidi Klum."

"Too late. Shit. Go to the default."

Most glamourous dandruff: Sofia Loren.


Fun Fact: when a movie star turns 75, her scalp turns to glitter. That's why Sofia Loren always gets standing ovations.

Most Uneccessary Technology: E!'s Glam-Cam 360

At least until Access Hollywood's X-treme Glitz MRI technology is perfected.