Screenshot: Gilmore Girls. Below photo: Warner Bros./Delivered by Online USA/Getty Images

“Knit, People, Knit!,” season seven, episode nine, originally aired 11/28/2006 

I know, I keep saying this. Every week, these are the two worst episodes ever. But I really defy anyone to offer me two more worthless hours of television than the knitting fundraiser and the Christmas fight that aren’t “The Big Stink” and “Go, Bulldogs!” It’s one thing to dread the Lorelai-Christopher marriage, as I have been doing lo these many weeks. It’s another thing to have to straight up witness it. And it’s just so very terrible. Teenaged Lorelai knew that Chris was an idiot man-child who stupidly bulldozes into things, so why did grownup Lorelai forget?

“Knit, People, Knit!” basically exists to prove to us all (like there was ever any doubt) that Christopher will never, ever fit into Stars Hollow. His clothes are all wrong, for one thing, and he embarrassingly throws his money around, ruining the knit-a-thon. He has zero in common with Jackson, as that mandated man date makes perfectly clear (although Jackson’s cautionary speech about farming, i.e. marriage, was nice). It’s like trying to fit a square peg into a hexagon hole. Yes, I know how this will all play out eventually, but watching Lorelai’s disastrous marriage seems like a terrible way for the show to spend its final season.

And we can’t get any relief from Rory’s side of the story, either, as she’s stuck at Lucy’s 2002 21st birthday party (I agree with Paris: Why 2002? So random, which I guess is the point) where the horrible truth is uncovered that despite the fact that three solid years have passed and he now has a delightful girlfriend, Marty just can’t get over Rory Gilmore. Which is ridiculous.

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Luke is screwing up as well, if he thinks that going over to Anna’s house while he’s all steamed up and intimidating her is a great way to get her to give him more time with April. And his niece is named Doula. The end. I am happy to say that I will never watch “Knit, People, Knit!” ever again.

“Merry Fisticuffs,” season seven, episode 10, originally aired 12/5/2006 

Thank god for Emily Gilmore, is all I have to say (again), because she’s about the only person I don’t straight-up hate in these two episodes. Except for Bonnie, Taylor’s niece, who cracks me up for some reason. Possibly that fake Doula baby. But that’s it.

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Emily is much nicer than I am, because she can see past Chris’ pedantic churlishness to the fact that he really loves Lorelai, and they could actually be good together, but he’s sure going to need some hand-holding. Lorelai brattily is ready to go off on her mother’s sincere effort to help: Emily saw how broken up Lorelai was over the Luke breakup and just wants to see her daughter happy, after all. Even though she’s currently married to Bratty McBratterson himself, sulking over the fact that he won’t get the house, the town, or the new child he suddenly wants because he’s finally married to the woman he’s pined over for years. Is Chris wanting to have a baby immediately his absolute low point? “We have the money,” as if growing up in a wealthy household would be a selling point for either of them. Lorelai wisely notes that growing up in a loving household, even one that’s odd, will do wonders for baby Doula, and at least realizes that her current homestead isn’t solid enough to bring a baby immediately into it.

Logan outing Marty and Rory was a complete dick move (let’s not forget how he gets when he’s jealous, i.e., the Jess dinner), but the twist was nice: I had forgotten that Marty was the one to introduce Rory and Logan. I can kind of get why Rory kept it to herself: Lucy’s happy with her boyfriend, and Marty’s feigning ignorance was such an immediate shock that Rory wasn’t sure how to navigate that for her friend, but still. I don’t blame Lucy and Olivia for icing her.

Amy Sherman-Palladino is gone, so we can’t really blame her for this, but why is the hardest-working kid on the show (four jobs!) portrayed as such a weirdo stalker? While entitled rich kids like Logan and Christopher are depicted as these hero types. Even Marty’s wooing of Lucy comes off as strange. Sometimes I can’t believe how much I used to like this show. Looking for season seven to turn that corner any episode now.

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Stray observations

  • This week in Gilmore entitlement: Lorelai salivating over her wedding present. “Yes Lorelai, you may open your gift. My goodness, you ‘re like a dolphin at feeding time.” Wolf Girl was pretty funny though. Also, as a slight defense of Chris, when he says something like, “You don’t want something, so that’s it, right,” and Lorelai just shrugs and says “Well…”, you kind of have to feel for him. For as many relationships as she’s been in, Lorelai is rarely the one doing the compromising (Luke gave up and just renovated her house instead of moving to the Wickham house). Which is why Emily’s pep talk was such a valuable (and nice) idea.
  • At this point in season seven, another drawback is the fact that the Gilmore girls, whose relationship is supposed to steer the show, are almost constantly separated. Other than the Friday night dinner with the hilarious voicemail wedding announcement unveiling (Emily kills it again), we only get a few phone calls about knit pledges and how much boys suck. Watching Lorelai and Rory grapple with their various relationship problems is much less enjoyable than watching the two girls together.
  • Hard to believe, but April is even a worse fake-crier than Rory.
  • Luke and Christopher’s fight was pretty meh, after all, even with the Christmas lights.
  • “I can hear Rory on the other end, Lorelai, you’re not as clever as you think you are.” God bless you, Emily Gilmore.
  • Next week: Lorelai writes a letter, and Christopher throws another hissy fit.

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