It used to be that the American Dream was self-sufficiency: to own your own home, or build your own successful business from the ground up. Now the American Dream is to bake a cupcake big enough for you to live inside, breathing only cupcake, eating only cupcake, trying to drink only cupcake, until you suffocate inside the mushy, sticky, sugary embrace of your very own giant cupcake tomb.
Unfortunately, mass-production of giant cupcake tombs is still a couple of years away, but to tide us over we have Big Top Cupcakes—massively oversized cupcakes that promise to cover-up that numbness that grows larger inside of you with every passing worthless, colorless, emotion-less day, with mountains of sugar, frosting, and pudding. YUM.
Truly, nothing is more thrilling than hearing the sad splat of spoonful after heaping spoonful of peanut butter as it hits the inside of a giant cupcake the size of your head. You may have thought you'd experienced joy in your life—maybe at the birth of your child, or when you got your very first apartment—but those joyous feelings were mere prelude to the flood of sheer bliss that will overcome you the first time you make a cat face with gumdrops and a pound of icing on a massive cupcake that is bigger than a small cat. Thank you, Big Top Cupcake, for helping us all to feel again.
Now that we have jumbo, mini, and regular cupcakes, can we all agree to stop it with the goddamn cupcakes and move on to another dessert that everyone can quit their jobs and open tiny, precious shops to make and sell? What about petit fours? Or brownies? Or tiny pies or something? Hopefully, the morbidly obese Big Top Cupcake will crush the annoying cupcake trend once and for all.