That constant, dull aching in your joints can only mean one of two things: either a big storm is a-gatherin', or NBC is moving forward with Jerry Seinfeld's ill-advised reality show The Marriage Ref, aka Dr. Seinfeld Presents What's The Deal With Marriage??, aka I Don't Hate My Spouse, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That. Unfortunately, it's the latter.
"The Marriage Ref":
A comic, reality series where celebrities and a relationship referee help squabbling couples make peace. Created by Seinfeld himself, this is relationship advice… with a comic twist.
"The Marriage Ref" casting team is searching the country for outgoing and opinionated couples in long-term relationships, willing to appear on national television, who have a long standing argument or issue that must be resolved. No problem is too small!
Are you married? Don't you hate your spouse? You should! After all, marriage is an institution…but who wants to be in an institution? Also, in-laws are the worst! Am I right? If you laughed at that, have a large gaping hole where your dignity should be, and you harbor a long-simmering resentment towards the person you chose to build a life with, then you'd be perfect for The Marriage Ref.
No problem is too small or too cliché!
* Is there an object, a person, or a habit (e.g. computer, pet, a friend, the remote control) that is a third wheel in your relationship and causes a problem?
* Does your partner have an annoying obnoxious habit or item that causes fights?
* Does your partner do things like withhold sex after a fight?
For example: Maybe your partner says things like, "I wanna write a book about tricking kids into eating pureed broccoli. Blah blah blah." or "I won't have sex with you until you get me on Oprah." Well, Jerry Seinfeld can relate! He would love to mediate your petty, boring arguments for tepid entertainment value.
Whether you argue about parenting, pets, fashion, money, in-laws, weight, housework, chores, communication, neatness, jealousy, past history, friends, sex… Whatever you argue about, we want to hear from you. Tell us why you absolutely NEED a MARRIAGE REF to weigh in and decide who is RIGHT and who is WRONG.
Asking for directions, being from Mars or Venus, leaving dirty socks on the floor, how your husband doesn't take you dancing anymore, how your stupid wife always wants to talk about feelings, why won't he hold your purse when you're in the dressing room, the way she always has a headache, the way he wants to buy a sports car instead of the minivan—the hackneyed marriage jokes are neverending! Don't you NEED the GUY WHO PLAYED J. PETERMAN to weigh in and tell you if you should get a divorce?
No, of course not. No one needs that.
What about the overwhelming feeling that life is slipping past you? That you're married now, and everything has been determined, and so you pick these petty arguments with your spouse until one day you look in the mirror and realize, "I've become a cliche." Can The Marriage Ref help you with that?
Then there's this:
Marriage is something to be celebrated, but sometimes the smallest things can lead to the biggest arguments, right? Like toilet seats left up. Or too much online shopping.
Amen, Jerry Seinfeld and Marriage Ref. Women be online shoppin. Men be leavin the toilet seat up. And, without Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld be producin' a terrible TV show.