Information: It's everywhere and it's ruining everything. Frankly, there's just too much of it out there swirling around like a thick fog of words and images and trampolines and rubber stamps. Make it stop. And when it's not swirling, it's flashing a bunch of letters and lights and knee braces(?) at you like you're permanently stuck in the MTV Movie Awards control room, which is weird because there is no MTV Movie Awards control room because that show is just a direct live broadcast of Max Headroom's seizure brought to you by Verizon V-Cast phones.

It's just too much. All this information is clogging up the think-ways in your smart box. How can you even make decisions anymore? You can't. Luckily, Microsoft is here to make all your decisions for you with their new invention, The Internet, I mean, Bing.

Whew. Glad that's settled. Nothing makes people feel better than throwing a bunch of incongruous crap at them in order to illustrate how orderly your new product is. Now we can finally stop getting tangled in all the links, and start saving the world, just like all the other bings throughout history: Crosby, bada, cherries, Chandler, and the NBC chimes.