Here’s what’s up in the world of TV for Wednesday, September 30. All times are Eastern.
Code Black (CBS, 10 p.m.): There are two premieres tonight for shows all about the kind on professions that children dream of. On CBS, Code Black takes on the childhood dream of being a doctor, as Marcia Gay Harden teaches us all why it’s actually the most depressing career path possible. As Residency Director Dr. Leanne Rorish, Harden “puts her four new first year residents to work immediately on their first day at Angels Memorial Hospital, in the busiest, most notorious hospital ER in the nation.” And just in case you thought this show wouldn’t tick every possible box of expected medical procedural show “-isms”: “Also working in the ER is Dr. Neal Hudson, an excellent physician who sometimes disagrees with Leanne’s ‘cowboy’ approach.” That’s right. At 11 a.m., you can read Joshua Alston’s pre-air review of the series, which confirms that the show is “nothing new” but also says the show remembers a time “when medical dramas weren’t all tarted up.” So make of that what you will.
Chicago P.D. (NBC, 10 p.m.): The other childhood dream of the night is that of being a cop, and Chicago P.D. is back to make any child possibly watching question said dreams. Except for the one weird kid who went as Vic Mackey for Halloween. But you shouldn’t be hanging around him anyway—he’s a different kind of kid. In the third season premiere, Intelligence go after Bokeem Woodbine’s Derek Keyes, who just so happens to be “number one on Chicago’s Most Wanted list and heroin kingpin.” See? Keep the kids away and have them watch Code Black instead. The worst that can happen is they become doctors who play by their own rules but still get results.
Survivor (CBS, 8 p.m.): “Survivor MacGyver” is the name of this episode, which confuses us. Isn’t every episode technically Survivor MacGyver? What is going on, Carrie Raisler? And when will we have “Survivor Hart To Hart”?
Empire (Fox, 9 p.m.): “Cookie and her cohorts decide to start their own small record label, but it’s off to a bumpy start as everyone has different visions for the new label.” This week’s episode of Empire is tasked with outdoing the season premiere’s Cookie in a gorilla costume scene, and it will try to do so with the help of guest stars Ludacris and Kelly Rowland. Joshua Alston shall see if that does the trick, but if the episode doesn’t do shot-for-shot remakes of “Act A Fool” and “Dilemma,” then it’s really going to be an uphill battle.
The League (FXX, 10 p.m.): The League is taking on Deflategate, you guys. Shelby Fero has been waiting for this one. We all have.
You’re The Worst (FXX, 10:30 p.m.): “Edgar discovers the magic of improv comedy.” Vikram Murthi is sold.
Modern Family (ABC, 9 p.m.)
Black-ish (ABC, 9:30 p.m.)
South Park (Comedy Central, 10 p.m.)
Moonbeam City (Comedy Central, 10:30 p.m.)
Then, check out Will Harris, John Teti, and Mike Vago’s Inventory on eight TV host transitions that ended badly. It’s a hoot and a half.
Also, come back at 10 a.m. for the Random Roles we’ve all been waiting for, as Will Harris talks to Paget Brewster about “playing a grandmother, leaving Criminal Minds, and not fucking up Community.” Don’t forget: This was part of the research that went into this piece. It’s going to be amazing.
Total Drama: The Ridonculous Race (Cartoon Network, 7 p.m.): You say “Dude Buggies,” we say:
Young & Hungry (ABC Family, 8 p.m.): When you read the episode title “Young & Doppelganger,” what’s the first thing that pops into your mind? If it’s “Gay Pride,” then you’re literally the only person in the world who gets what Young & Hungry is doing.
The iHeartRadio Music Festival (The CW, 8 p.m.): This is night two of said two-night concert in Las Vegas, and we got all the big names: The Weeknd, Fall Out Boy, Blake Shelton, Puffy Daddy (is he back to Puff Daddy again or is this press release a lie?), Prince Royce, Nick Jonas, Janet Jackson, and “many more.” If any of this is music you like, then you should watch this. Because The CW is still killing time until its Fall programming gets here.
Doped: The Dirty Side Of Sports (Epix, 8 p.m.): Sports. Drugs. Let’s go.
Rosewood (Fox, 8 p.m.): “Rosewood and Villa team up again on all new ‘Rosewood’.” We’ve got to say, “Press Releases That Don’t Understand Television” just might be our new favorite bit. Of course Rosewood and Villa team up again: That’s literally the premise of the entire show.
The Secret Tapes Of The O.J. Case: The Untold Story (Lifetime Movie Network, 8 p.m.): This sounds ridiculous enough to work. Or at least kill some time until Ryan Murphy tells the true O.J. Simpson story.
The Mysteries Of Laura (NBC, 8 p.m.): With “The Mystery Of The Cure To Loneliness,” The Mysteries Of Laura officially has the most depressing episode title of all of tonight’s television.
Kevin From Work (ABC Family, 8:30 p.m.): Kevin From Work is back from its one-week hiatus, and after a recent earthquake, it’s earthquake safety drill time. It’s also time to reevaluate one’s life, because earthquakes are scary, y’all.
Criminal Minds (CBS, 9 p.m.): Criminal Minds is back for season 11, and it’s bringing Aisha Tyler with it. It’s like we always say: When one Ghost Whisperer series regular leaves, another enters. We’re really psyched it ended up being Aisha Tyler and not Jamie Kennedy.
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (NBC, 9 p.m.): Law & Order: SVU is doing an episode of television called “Transgender Bridge,” and we’re not going to touch that at all. Law & Order: SVU probably should have followed suit.
Nashville (ABC, 10 p.m.): “Rayna is determined to prove Highway 65 is a credible label”— Ha. We’re sorry, but we couldn’t even get through that one sentence. If there’s anything Nashville has proven over and over again, it’s that Highway 65 is not a credible label and Rayna is barely a credible business woman. But it’ll be pretty funny to watch her and the show try to prove otherwise, right?
Are You The One? (MTV, 10 p.m.): This is the “time slot premiere” for Are You The One?, as the third season already premiered. You’re welcome, and we hope you (but, really, none of these contestants) find the one.
Suddenly Royal (TLC, 10 p.m.): “Drew learns the family must become permanent residents to be accepted as royalty.” It took four episodes for this to be explained to him, apparently. Suddenly Royal, that’s strike three.
Ghostbusters / Ghostbusters II (Sundance, 6 / 8:30 p.m.): Watch these movies before those women ruin your childhood!
MLB Baseball: Cardinals at Pirates (ESPN, 7 p.m.)
U.S. Open Cup Soccer: Philadelphia vs. Sporting KC (ESPN2, 7 p.m.)
MLB Baseball: Marlins at Rays (FSN, 7 p.m.)
World Series Of Poker: 2015 Main Event (ESPN2, 9 p.m.)
MLB Baseball: Dodgers at Giants (ESPN, 10 p.m.)
WWE NXT (WWE Network, 8 p.m.)
Impact Wrestling (Destination America, 9 p.m.)
Ring Of Honor (Destination America, 11 p.m.)
Drunk History: Gaius Charles has now played two of the most important figures in all of sports history: Brian “Smash” Williams and Muhammad Ali. Luckily, Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya was here to chronicle the second one.