Here’s what’s up in the world of TV for Wednesday, December 24. All times are Eastern.
It was the night before Christmas, and if you thought that television was dead before now, you probably should have learned how to check a pulse. If this can happen with a television, then you can certainly check a television’s pulse. That’s the transitive property at work. Don’t question it. Where were we? Oh yes—television is officially dead now, and because of that, Diners, Drive-Ins, & Dives almost made it on on the What’s On Tonight list. Almost. This truly is the darkest holiday timeline.
Also: TBS and TNT still won’t stop playing A Christmas Story, even though 24 hours of Jingle All The Way is much more worthwhile. Some may say, “at least it’s not The Family Stone,” but that’s simply ignoring the effects of 24 hours of A Christmas Story.
Too Cute!: #MerryCuteness (Animal Planet, 7 p.m.): “What’s better than baby animals? Baby animals wishing you happy holidays!” Thanks, Animal Planet! That’s super convincing! In fact, that’s what make this the top of all picks this Christmas Eve. You cannot go wrong with cute baby animals, no matter how many hashtags there are in a special’s title. (One hashtag is too many hashtags, usually.) Cute baby animals are all that matters. In some ways, maybe they’re all that has ever mattered. That sounds enlightened, right?
Here, watch this video of cute baby animals and try to find something wrong. You can’t!
In non-cute baby animal news, Erik Adams keeps the 12 Days Of Non-Denominational Winter Holidays going with his piece on The Muppet Christmas Carol. Speaking of…
A Diva’s Christmas Carol (VH1, 6 a.m.)**
Mickey’s Christmas Carol (ABC Family, 7 a.m.)
The Looney Tunes Show: A Christmas Carol (Cartoon Network, 3:30 p.m.)
The Smurfs: A Christmas Carol (Cartoon Network, 4:30 p.m.)
Doctor Who: A Christmas Carol (BBC America, 6 p.m.)
The Muppet Christmas Carol (WGN America, 6:10 p.m.)
A Christmas Carol (FX Movies, 7 p.m.)
Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol (The CW, 8 p.m.)
A Christmas Carol: The Concert (PBS, 8 p.m.)
* This might not even be all of them on this Christmas Eve. These are only the ones that have “Christmas Carol” in the title.
** Technically, this episode (and Mickey’s Christmas Carol) is not What’s On “Tonight.” But it would be a crime to mention all of the Christmas Carol specials that are airing tonight without including the very best one. You can probably actually go to jail for that in some cities.
Hawaii Bowl: Fresno State vs. Rice (ESPN, 8 p.m.): What’s that? This doesn’t look like A Christmas Carol? That’s because it’s not. It’s college football in Hawaii, Charlie Brown! The Fresno State Bulldogs (6-7) are facing off against the Rice Owls (7-5) in a battle that the TV Guide Dude hypes up by pointing out that “both teams started the season by losing their first three games.” Apparently you get a Bowl for that.
Impact Wrestling: Countdown To The All-Time Best TNA Moment, Pt. 2 (Spike TV, 11:59 p.m.): First of all, talk about a burial. TNA may be moving to a network that we’re still not 100 percent sure really exists, but that doesn’t make it any less insulting that the “best” of the promotion’s run is being played in a time slot not even a network could love. Come on, Spike TV, it was bad enough you never promoted the show in the first place. Judgment of the network aside, if the countdown isn’t just a list of all things related to Alex Shelley, Kevin Nash, and Paparazzi Productions (long live the “Bob Backlund-approved” PCS!) then maybe this terrible time slot is absolutely deserved.
With this type of barren schedule, did you really miss anything? Is there anything to really miss? Think about that for a second. It might change your life.
Selfie: Given the holiday wasteland that is television right now, it’s even more of a disappointment that ABC canceled a show as good (maybe even great) as Selfie. Brandon Nowalk didn’t spend his latest review lambasting the network for said disappointment, but it’s still worth the read.