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Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Celebrity Rehab: New Arrival

Illustration for article titled Celebrity Rehab: New Arrival
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Illustration for article titled Celebrity Rehab: New Arrival

This is more like it. As the bags gets douchier and new flavors are added, Celebrity Rehab is getting more interesting. This week we got a new character, ultimate fighter and domestic abuser Ricco Rodriguez, as well as a better picture of nearly every inmate. (Except Shifty, he's an open book already.)

Mary Carey cried and talked about having three penises in her mouth. (At least that's what I think she said–the VH1 censors can't handle the truth.) Jaimee Foxworth actually spoke, and it was in tearful railing against her father, played by Ricco in group therapy. (He did a terrible job.) Jeff Conaway got into a blowout with his manipulative drug addict golddigger of a girlfriend and tried to check himself out. Best of all, Dr. Drew came in in the middle of the night wearing a T-shirt and jeans, and that fucker is ripped. I take back everything bad I said about you Dr. Drew, but I hereby diagnose you with body-obsessive disorder, if that's a real thing. Did you have botox, too?

Anyway, Jeff's girlfriend may prove to be the most interesting part of CR, at least until the ultimate fighter takes somebody's head off in a coke/roid rage. Vikki comes to rehab with a purse full of dope, then claims it's for PMS. That's ballsy. Then she tells Jeff that she saw an ex-boyfriend ("gave him a hug") just to drive Jeff nuts. That's even ballsier: Sure, the guy's in a wheelchair most of the time, but how many washed-up actors are tough enough to look up from the middle of a puking fit to casually say, "How's it going?" to a new guest?

And then there's Shelly, another addiction specialist at the facility. She could prove to be as much a character as these so-called celebrities. She's brassy, kind of annoying, and wears giant clunky glasses at the end of her nose. Also, she used to have "no body boundaries," which is apparently rehab talk for being a top-flight skank. (Mary thought it meant you were an actual prostitute–as opposed to a porn star–and wanted to make clear that she was never "an escort.")

That's an episode: conflict, bad attitudes, tears, puke, three-penis mouths. And Chyna and Brigitte saying next to nothing, just kicking back for the paycheck. You go, man-girls.

Stray observations:

— Norco is apparently Vicodin, and it's what will kill Jeff if Vikki keeps letting him raid her stash.

— Mary is actually stone dumb, she's not just playing a character. When Ricco told a horrible story about moving his presumed-dead girlfriend into the driver's seat after a serious car crash so he wouldn't catch a DUI charge, Mary said, "I don't want a boyfriend like that."

— Next week on the show that takes rehab really seriously and whose stars were called "courageous" by their celebrity doctor: wet T-shirts and Daniel Baldwin turning red.


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