Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Celebrity Rehab: Graduation

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Wait, what? Am I crazy, or did last week's episode tout this week's as the season finale? As the hour mark approached tonight, no sense of closure seemed imminent, and indeed there was a tease for next week's show, even after all kinds of talk about "graduation." I was all set to write about how I think each one of these suckers will do in the real world, but I guess I'll save that for next week.

This week's episode–a bit of a snoozer, actually. All of a sudden, with no warning, Dr. Drew decides that everybody is doing shitty and that they'll all go back to using. "I'm looking at seven people who are dying… And I'm scared, and I'm saddened, and I'm empty–just sort of done," he says, and then makes a show of walking off. Shelley cries, but then she and Bob take over, and they seem to make more headway with these assholes in ten minutes than Drew did all season!

Shelley fesses up to her sordid past (prostitution, etc.), which perks up the ears (and possibly other body parts) of alpha males Seth and Ricco and actually seems to reach most of the others. Later, Ricco checks himself out in the mirror while having a serious conversation with his girlfriend, then fakes like he's choking the phone. While this might be hilarious now, it's going to be pretty damning evidence when he's on trial for her murder.

The funniest part of the show: A couple of "sex workers" visit Jessica so that she can express some of her rage at her deceased prostitute mom. It's the first time in the series that I see Drew get really fired up about something. "Let it go, baby!" he enthuses, revealing to the world his fetish for distraught, crying women. (Explains a lot, doesn't it?)

Anyway, I'm rushing through this because I want to get to something else… So Dr. Drew wants everybody to go to "sober living" for three months, but many of the "patients" have expressed monetary concerns. (Poor things!) But Drew somehow manages to wrangle the money (presumably out of VH1) for everybody to go. And even he can't feel good about taking whatever that costs–it's gotta be lots–and giving it to entitled, perfectly employable assholes instead of the homeless. Or me. Or anybody, really. I can't think of anybody who deserves that money less. Give it to Tiger Woods for new clubs. Give it to Bill Gates, at least he'll pass it along to somebody who deserves it.

Anyway, next week we get to find out who decides to take him up on the offer. Translation: Who will wait three extra months to drink and/or do drugs.

Okay, on to what I really want to chat with you 29 people about. A video, linked below, showing former Celebrity Rehabber Jeff Conaway and his succubus Vikki hanging out with Butch "Eddie Munster" Patrick. It's long as hell and completely ridiculous, and it ends with Jeff shooting Butch. First, each former star pimps his product–Jeff and Vikki have a CD, Butch has a new book about… You guessed it, being Eddie Munster.

But the video is so completely insane that it's almost mesmerizing. Who thought this up? Did they really think that people would believe it was real? Most importantly, isn't the act of thinking up this video more valuable and creative than either of the endeavors the video hopes to pimp? It's gloriously post-modern in its way, and impossible to watch without your mouth agape. I think they've invented a new kind of naïve art. On that note, I'm skipping the stray observations, giving the episode a C, and handing you over to 6 minutes of outer space.

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