Because this week's episode of Dr. Drew's Carnival Of Entitled Almost-weres was almost maddeningly dull–they can't all be as exciting as last week's–I'd like to offer you the above clip to get your motor running. It's Jeff Conaway and his co-dependent goth-wannabe ladyfriend Vikki Lizzi performing on something called the Reality Awards. I didn't know such a thing existed, and I feel pretty good about that. (I'm also not watching this season of the Scott Baio show, so that's two points in my favor. Still watching this and Rock Of Love, so I probably won't be getting into heaven.)
Anyway, I digress. Oh wait, one more thing! The Reality Awards is hosted by Kennedy. If you remember her, you probably didn't until just now.
Anyway, this week's CR felt more than ever like a "very special" episode, except it came across as only slightly special, which is to say that lessons were perhaps learned and the overall tone was pretty boring. Never did I think I'd be wishing for the return of Daniel Baldwin, but at least then we'd have a villain. That role is, for now, being handled by Baldwin's understudy (I was trying to think of a clever way to combine "bro" with "understudy" there but the best I could think of was "bro-derstudy"), former Ultimate Fighting Champion Ricco "Hairgel" Rodriguez. Even when the guy is trying to be sincere, he's a brutish ass of the highest order. His wife or girlfriend or punching bag drops the whole, "I can handle this, but not our son!" (which is bad enough), but then when it's time for him to react, he says something like, "I thought I was doing perfect." Right, like when you dragged her presumed-lifeless body into the driver's seat after your accident. Dick.
Oh, I should back up. This is all in the context of "friends and family" day, because Dr. Drew's theory is that rehab is as much about your family as it is you. In some cases, this is obviously true. That bombshell Vikki Lizzi agrees to get all the drugs out of her and Jeff's house, but she balks at Drew's order to remove the alcohol, too. "Okay," she says, "but if I need a drink, I gotta go out and get one… If I get a migraine." (She doesn't think this is a problem, which I find just monumentally hilarious.)
In not hilarious news: Mary Carey's mom shows up to give the TV audience an idea what somebody with real problems looks like. She's schizophrenic, quite out of it, and probably smarter than Jeff Conaway and Ricco Rodriguez put together–and certainly a more sympathetic character than either. She jumped off a building and tried to kill herself a year ago, inspiring Mary to try and change her life. (She has thus far not changed her life, but the ballet dancing could be a key…) Mary, remarkably, didn't say anything amazingly dumb this week, but she did refer to "God and stuff."
Other guests: Brigitte's oily Italian husband and blonde-as-hell kids, Jessica's sister (who tearfully recounts something or other), Seth's kid and wife (who clearly wants to dump his ass but can't because she loves that song "Butterfly" too much and doesn't want to say, "I used to be married to the guy who sang that but I dumped him"), Jaimee's family (who don't say/do much), and, ummm… Barry Williams? Yes, Greg Brady just can't get enough TV time, so he shows up presumably to help Chyna, though that's never made completely explicit. He's apparently mad because at a New Year's Eve show in Las Vegas–in which he was singing, he indignantly states–Chyna interrupted him from the audience, getting on stage to try and sing. Because she was drunk. Poor fucking Greg Brady. Don't cry, homeboy–the audience was asleep before she showed up. She was just doing you a favor.
For the end of family day, Dr. Drew decided that his patients needed to see what it was like to "be of service." That's a good concept, Drew. These people are, by and large, assholes with huge senses of entitlement, used to having everything done for them (or to them, in the case of the porn stars). Why not send them out to help the community? No, that wasn't the plan. They were sent to a fancy restaurant to cook for their families. Jaimee didn't want to, but then she realized it was sort of fun and stopped pouting. Lesson learned–everybody go back to drugs!
— Jeff tried to leave again, twice, because they took him off his pain medication. When Jaimee called him out, he called her a "hoo-er," which is how really old people and the Rat Pack pronounce "whore." It was perhaps the most amazing moment yet on Celebrity Rehab, and it wasn't even addressed.
— I'm not sure if Shelley, the dominatrix of the rehab staff, was actually going to pray when Jeff was mean to her. Either way, pretty funny.
— Jaimee has been really well behaved, but when it came time to do her hair and Shelley wanted her to come to group… Oh no. She wasn't having that.
— Jessica's dad, sounding every bit the dirtball on the phone: "I guess I'll come if I have to, baby," and "Book me a first-class flight."