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Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Illustration for article titled iCelebrity Rehab/i: Bye Bye Baldwin
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Illustration for article titled iCelebrity Rehab/i: Bye Bye Baldwin

The promise of last week's cliffhanger was nearly delivered on during this week's episode of Dr. Drew's House Of Self-Absorbed Former And Current Drug Addicts. New evidence brought home what most of you already knew: Daniel Baldwin is truly the ickiest of all the Baldwins, even though he's not as squinty as Stephen. He's out of the house, but his presence during rehab's trying first seven days was apparently more destructive than we knew. He took advantage of poor Mary Carey–physical age 27, mental age 6–by asking her to text him sexy pictures. (There was some hint that he sent her pictures of his dong, but that was never made entirely clear, sadly.)

Anyway, even better than that, it turns out that he was running game on Jaimee Foxworth, too, offering to fly her out to New York while his pregnant wife was out of town. Yeah, they're porn stars, Daniel, but they've got some standards. (They'd fuck Alec.) In group, it's pointed out that Mary tended to dress more provocatively after Daniel had been hitting on her, thereby setting back her journey away from porno. This led to another incredible Mary Carey/Ralph Wiggum line: "I didn't even realize I did that on purpose!" (Read that twice, and then dig this response from Dr. Drew: "You didn't.")

Brigitte–who it should always be noted before taking seriously had sex with Flavor Flav–was livid about Daniel's indiscretions, but anybody without a serious amount of juice or pills on the brain should have known that he was a complete sleaze the whole time. Seriously, look at his hair and listen to his voice. To paraphrase Eddie Murphy, "When Daniel Baldwin come over to my house, the fish stop swimming."

Ricco, who is now the biggest Massengil stockholder now that Daniel has left, proved himself awesomely two-faced. When Daniel called for news, Ricco told him that the house had turned on him, summing it with this Shakespearean stunner: "It's bad, bro." (Ricco also pluralized the word "text" by saying "textezes" or something, which was pretty sweet, I will admit.)

With the betrayer of all women out of the picture, it was time for the healing to begin, and Dr. Drew sent Mary to ballet class, so she could be reminded of a time in her life when being flexible really mattered. (Oh, wait…) A montage of her dancing set to light piano music was enough to inspire a hundred gag reflexes, even in those trained to fight such a reflex. In getting in touch with her old self, Mary remarked: "Maybe that person's not gone." And she cried.

Next up (good episode, now that I think about it!): Vikki, Jeff Conaway's evil co-dependent beast, brought a Vitamin Water bottle full of VODKA into TREATMENT. Yep, you read that right. In the tease for next week's show, she claims that Jeff told her to so that they would draft her into rehab as well. After all that trauma, everybody went to play some golf, and promised to be friends forever. Which presumably means they'll call each other when they're jonesing and flat broke.

Grade: A-

Stray Observations:

— Seth talking to his kid on the phone was kinda sweet, especially when the kid–named Halo, no less–said, "You're gonna stop doing bad things?"

— Jeff farted again, and it was not the fart of a wheelchair-bound half-wit. It was the fart of a man with some fight left in him. And he farted with a bunch of people laying on top of him, which is even better.

— Brigitte, remarking on Jeff's fart: "It was longer and larger than life."

— Drew accused Chyna of taking steroids, and then he went on to accuse the sky of being blue and Mt. Rushmore of being made out of rock. All three vehemently denied the accusations.


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