Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

CBS Now Turning Joke-Titles Of CBS Procedurals Into CBS Procedurals

We are, in case you missed it, currently living in a TV crime specialist's world. Let's review the evidence: There's CBS's The Mentalist, about a guy who solves crimes through amazing mental powers, like bending spoons with his mind and boring holes into concrete with his steely gaze (I'm assuming); There's CBS's Numb3rs, about the magical crime-solving powers of super-mathmeticians; There's TNT's The Closer, about how Kyra Sedgwick uses yelling in a terrible Southern accent to close difficult cases; There's Fox's Lie To Me, about a guy who can read faces for lies;  And there's CBS's new acquisition Medium, about how Patricia Arquette is a  crime-solving medium, or "Ghost Whisperer" in CBS parlance.

So the mentalist, the ghost whisperer, the closer, the medium, the lie detector—what's next? The Rememberer?


Unfortunately, yes.

According to Variety, CBS is developing an hourlong crime-solving show called The Rememberer, because of course they are:

As for Redlich, "The Rememberer" centers on a female NYPD detective who harbors the ability to remember everything she encounters.

That's some unnecessary explanation, Variety. We can whittle that sentence down to: "The Rememberer centers on a ladycop who remembers things." Done. Wait: "Her catch-phrase is 'Hang on..I'm remembering!'" Okay, now we're done.

Yes, The Rememberer sounds like a parody of a CBS crime procedural that some unknown sketch group would post on YouTube. (Shockingly, it isn't—get it together, sketch groups on YouTube!—But it is the name of a series of comedy shorts that ran on public access in Madison in the 80s.) Still, as stupid as this show sounds, and will no doubt be, this is great news. CBS is apparently going to start making joke-titles of CBS procedurals into actual CBS procedurals! Let's give them some ideas:

The Talker—It's called The Talker because this detective can talk a confession out of anyone.

The Sniffer—Centers on a cop who is part human/part bloodhound (genetic experiment during a nuclear explosion that went awry) who can sniff out clues.

The Feeler—A cop uses his really sensitive skin to solve crimes. (Sample dialogue: "Look, I have a rash on my forearm where the suspect touched me. You know what that means." "Eww. Shingles." "No, gunpowder. He has gunpowder residue on his hands.")


The Walker—Centers on a geriatric detective who uses a mind-reading device in his walker to solve cold cases.

The InterroGator—Guilty suspects crumble when interviewed by this whip-smart gator and his animal psychic partner, Mike "Ragin' Cajun" Gautreaux.


The Awkwarder—Special Investigator Rene Harris knows how to make criminals feel awkward.

The Ghost E-Mailer—Most cops don't believe in mediums. But then again most cops aren't Rory West, the Ghost E-Mailer. She's the only cop who can communicate with ghosts (via email).


The Ponderer—It's called The Ponderer, cause she ponders until the case is solved. Usually works.