News in Brief1/22/21Jan 22SaveNews in Brief1/22/21News in BriefJerry Seinfeld Destitute After Purchasing $950 Million CarMatt CrowleyNEW YORK—Acknowledging that he was now completely bankrupt, comedian Jerry Seinfeld confirmed Friday that he was…
News in Brief1/20/21Jan 20SaveNews in Brief1/20/21News in Brief‘Look, He Came After All!’ Says Inauguration Guest Spotting Trump Crouching With Rifle On Nearby RoofMatt CrowleyWASHINGTON—Excited to see that the president had changed his mind about attending the historic event, inauguration…
News in Brief1/18/21Jan 18SaveNews in Brief1/18/21News in BriefGod Blindsided After Illegitimate Son From Andromeda Galaxy Tracks Him Down In HeavenMatt CrowleyTHE HEAVENS—Expressing uncertainty about how to handle the awkward situation, The Lord God Almighty was reportedly…
News in Brief1/14/21Jan 14SaveNews in Brief1/14/21News in BriefForward-Thinking CEO Hoping Company Can Capture New Audience By Making Product Worse In Every Conceivable WayMatt CrowleyNEW YORK—Taking an expansive view of future prospects for the business, forward-thinking CEO Rick Benson was…
News1/13/21Jan 13SaveNews1/13/21NewsStill Time: The PS5s In This Ancient Cave Painting Foretelling The End Of The Earth Look Like Some Kind Of Unreleased PS5 Slim EditionMatt CrowleyGreat news, gaming fans! If you haven’t yet had a chance to check out PlayStation’s revolutionary new gaming system,…
News in Brief1/5/21Jan 5SaveNews in Brief1/5/21News in BriefWorrying Study Finds Today’s Tutorial Levels Not Adequately Preparing Players For Challenges Of World 8Matt CrowleyCAMBRIDGE, MA—Offering a bleak assessment of gamers’ readiness for the future, a concerning study from Harvard…
News in Brief12/18/20Dec 18SaveNews in Brief12/18/20News in Brief‘Bring Me Some Holiday Cheer, You Son Of A Bitch’ Says Woman Slamming Christmas Tree Up Against WallMatt CrowleyBRATTLEBORO, VT—In a desperate effort to get into the spirit of the season, local woman Miranda Krall was reportedly…
News in Brief12/15/20Dec 15SaveNews in Brief12/15/20News in BriefPornHub To Delete All Content It Can’t Verify Is Really Between Stepson And StepmotherMatt CrowleyMONTREAL—In an effort to add strict safeguards to the content shared to its platform, adult video giant PornHub…
News in Brief12/11/20Dec 11SaveNews in Brief12/11/20News in BriefMom Flatly Informs 30-Year-Old Son He’s Getting 3 Sweaters And A Nintendo Switch For ChristmasMatt CrowleyWILMINGTON, DE—Dispensing with any air of formality, local mother Linda Southerton flatly informed her 30-year-old…
News in Brief12/8/20Dec 8SaveNews in Brief12/8/20News in BriefWoman Just Needs To Break Irresponsible Financial Habit Of Going Bankrupt, Living On StreetMatt CrowleySAN FRANCISCO—Suggesting that the lifestyle change could produce significant economic benefit, financial experts…
News in Brief12/8/20Dec 8SaveNews in Brief12/8/20News in BriefRest Of Zoom Call Can Only Imagine Carnival Of Forbidden Mysteries Surrounding Coworker With Camera Turned OffMatt CrowleyCOLUMBUS—Gazing in wonderment at the beguiling enigma before them, members of a Zoom conference call were reportedly…
News in Brief12/8/20Dec 8SaveNews in Brief12/8/20News in Brief‘The Virus Dies With Me!’ Shouts Covid-Infected Giuliani Clambering Into Hospital IncineratorMatt CrowleyWASHINGTON—Vowing to conquer the pathogen once and for all, Donald Trump’s personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani shouted,…
News in Brief12/3/20Dec 3SaveNews in Brief12/3/20News in BriefExhausted Researchers Inform Public Covid Vaccine Won’t Shrink You Down To Size Of AntMatt CrowleyATLANTA—Begging Americans to just use some common sense, exhausted CDC researchers assured the public Thursday that…
News in Brief12/3/20Dec 3SaveNews in Brief12/3/20News in BriefWilliam Barr Celebrates Holidays By Giving Lethal Injections To Those Less FortunateMatt CrowleyWASHINGTON—Grinning cheerfully as he did his best to spread the spirit of the season, Attorney General William Barr…
News in Brief12/1/20Dec 1SaveNews in Brief12/1/20News in BriefPolice Warn Onlookers Not To Enter Active Crime Scene Cover-UpMatt CrowleyNEW YORK—Urging passersby to avoid the area until the job could be completed, members of the NYPD warned onlookers…
News11/30/20Nov 30SaveNews11/30/20NewsDeal Alert: This Kid Has All The Coolest Games, And You Can Play Them At His House If You Can Get Over How Weird He IsMatt CrowleyListen up, gamers, because we’ve got a killer deal that you’re not going to want to miss: This kid who lives over on…
News in Brief11/27/20Nov 27SaveNews in Brief11/27/20News in BriefAnnoying Coworker Keeps Sending After-Hours Emails That He's Trapped In Office ElevatorMatt CrowleySPARKS, MD—Growing increasingly irked by the inconsiderate behavior, employees at local advertising firm Valley…
News in Brief11/26/20Nov 26SaveNews in Brief11/26/20News in BriefMan Getting High And Eating Taco Bell Thousands Of Miles Away From Family Having Best Thanksgiving Of LifeMatt CrowleySAN DIEGO—Lying on the couch in his cramped, poorly lit apartment, local man Mark Borkowski was reportedly having…
News in Brief11/20/20Nov 20SaveNews in Brief11/20/20News in BriefMan On Zoom Date Unsure If He Expected To Pay Internet BillMatt CrowleyWENHAM, MA—Expressing confusion as to the correct etiquette for the new situation, Zach Kartman, a local man on a…