Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

America's Next Top Model: "The Girl Who Goes Bald"

Illustration for article titled America's Next Top Model: "The Girl Who Goes Bald"
TV ReviewsAll of our TV reviews in one convenient place.
Illustration for article titled America's Next Top Model: "The Girl Who Goes Bald"

Since the start of this cycle of ANTM, one question has reverberated endlessly in my brain: What will Jenah (the extra "h" is for "ugh")look like with an uneven, extremely long, platinum blonde weave? Tonight I finally got a definitive answer: not good. Yes, tonight was the episode we've all been waiting for: the makeover episode!

First, I have to point out that the title of this episode is highly misleading. It should be "The Girl Who Has Her Head Shaved Until She Appears Bald, But Honestly It Kind Of Works For Her Because At Least Now It Doesn't Look Like Jem Is Trying To Emerge From The Top Of Her Head." (That is pretty cumbersome, though.)

After all, the girl, Bianca, didn't go bald, she was made bald because her hair was too damaged for anything but a buzzcut—and considering that they practically scalped Ebony trying to work with her hair, that means Bianca's hair must have been really damaged. Maybe that pink dye was radioactive. Who knows? But Bianca does look pretty good freshly shorn. She certainly looks better bald than with the flowy, blonde Beyoncesque look Tyra showed everyone during the If They Mated With Wigs makeover-morph demonstration. And, as Bianca put it, a black woman with blonde hair looks like nothing but a streetwalker. (More accurately: A streetwalker who idolizes Beyonce.)

Other things learned during the makeovers: When you have a giant forehead (like Saleisha), cover it with giant bangs. Hair can always be shorter, even when it's already short and poodlesque (like Stripper Lisa's). And of course, as was the case with Victoria, sometimes "makeover" means "parting your hair on the other side."

Speaking of Victoria, considering how much airtime they filled with her and her annoying "I'm a nerd" assertions, it was more than obvious that she was going to be eliminated. She (remarkably) didn't mention Yale the entire episode, but I counted at least 5 dork assertions, from the multiple "I don't wear make-up" reminders during the Use Cover Girl Products As Fast As You Can Challenge, to the "I just want to put on jeans, and a shirt and go to the library" comment during the flowers photoshoot, to her final comments about not having to wear heels or fix her hair again. Seriously, The Big Bang Theory is more subtle with their nerd characterization. I kept waiting for Victoria to say that she really misses her poster of the Periodic Table, or to put on a pair of suspenders.

Still, she's probably happy that she was eliminated. Constantly coming up with new ways to say that you're a nerd, really, a total nerd is probably exhausting—but probably no more exhausting than consistently feigning excitement every time Tyra pops into frame. Their collective gasp when she arrived at the salon sounded like 10 drowning people coming up for air. The girls (both bald, clipped, and weaved) are in for a long haul.

Grade: B

Stray Observations:

—Why do people with Asperger's always have to dress up like weeds in contrived high-fashion photo shoots, huh?

—"Don't forget your whole body." Sage advice from Mr. Jay to Ambreal

—How many episodes till the "real-size" model, Sarah, either starts binging, or gets eliminated for losing weight? 2? 3?

—Chantal's "I, Model" assertions are almost becoming as annoying as Victoria's Yale/nerd mentions, so I'm going to institute a Chantal Mentions Modeling Is Her Childhood Dream Or Some Crap count. The problem is, I didn't keep track of the mentions this episode. Since it felt like there were around 143, we'll just put that down this time.


Share This Story

Get our newsletter