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Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

America's Next Top Model: "The Girl Who Gets A Mango"

Illustration for article titled America's Next Top Model: "The Girl Who Gets A Mango"
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Illustration for article titled America's Next Top Model: "The Girl Who Gets A Mango"

Wow. (And I mean that as unenthusiastically as possible.) The weeding out episodes are just unbearable, aren't they? Can they please just hurry up and send the girls on the requisite "As a model, you have to be ready to travel at any time" trip? At least then something would be actually happening, and we wouldn't have to float along for an hour listening to people strain to find something concrete to say about something intangible, like, say, modeling. Because if we as an audience have to start listening to and digesting the nonsensical critiques the judges, and coaches, and Tyson Beckfords spew every episode, we're all going to tumble headfirst down a never-ending spiral of stupidity. When this show starts being about the skill of modeling, we're doomed.

Case in point: Mr. Jay about Ebony at the You Are A Recyclable photo shoot, "She literally looked trampish." So she actually physically resembled someone who kind of looks like a hobo or a prostitute? I think he meant that she literally looked like a tramp. But isn't that the look they were going for, though?

But when Mr. Jay is cornered, or in front of a camera, he has a tendency to over-explain. He piles words on top of words till it's just like watching adjective bacteria multiply in a petri dish. His similes were off the entire episode (and, really, for the entirety of the ANTM series) as well. He said of Real-Size Sarah, who was wearing a garbage bag dress, "You look like a heap of garbage!" Good one, Mr. Jay. That's like shouting "You look like the thing we are forcing you to embody!" Or simply, "You look like you!" That's not a comparison, it's an equation.

Seriously, I can't take another episode like this one. I refuse to analyze Mr. Jay's advice because it's the only marginally interesting thing in the episode again. The most exciting things that happened (before Ebony quit) were that Mary J. Blige art directed a spray tan on Heather, Bianca practiced the fine art of "squinty but wide" eyes, and all the girls ate dinner in a closet.

Then, at elimination, Ebony refused to take her photo from Tyra's hands, and she said that she didn't want to be there anymore. But even her quitting was anticlimactic because she had already said virtually the same thing during the walk-in closet dinner/slumber party. There was no tension, no yelling, no element of surprise. (There were tears, but when has there ever not been tears on ANTM?) Has watching someone quit a reality show ever been so tedious?

Still, we did get to see Tyra say to Ebony, "I can't take quitters. And so for that, you can go." Nice recovery, Tyra. Unfortunately you can't fire someone who just quit.

Grade: D

Stray Observations:

—As much as I hate to face it, we still have a few more weeding out episodes to go: Ambreal, Shrinking Real-Size Sarah, and Lisa have yet to be eliminated.

—I'm going to miss Ebony. Not only does she bring uncommon bitchiness to the phrase "thank you," but she also called an electric tea kettle "a water heater-upper."

—"It's not just standing around. You have to use your good looks to better the world. Now I want you to go get an object from the kitchen and sell it to me." —Tyson "The most famous male model of all time" Beckford.

—I finally figured out who Saleisha looks like with that hair: Dumb Donald from Fat Albert & The Cosby Kids.