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Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

America's Next Top Model: "The Girl Who Crawls"

Illustration for article titled America's Next Top Model: "The Girl Who Crawls"
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Illustration for article titled America's Next Top Model: "The Girl Who Crawls"

We're finally over the clip show hump, and it is much better on the other side. Well, it's manageable on the other side, at least. Technically we're still in the weeding out phase, but now that Real-Size Sarah has been kicked off for being too real-size, there's really only one more obvious (read: hoochie) weed waiting to be pulled out from the garden of questionable flowers: Ambreal. You can see it in her posture, the way she lowers her head while approaching Tyra, like a puppy that's been scolded too many times. Ambreal knows she's next.

Of course, she could suddenly de-hoochify herself, transform into Iman, and magically develop a personality that doesn't just consist of saying how grateful she is all the time by next week's episode, so who knows? It's anyone's game (except for Ambreal's).

Well, I guess if Bianca's Asperger's jealousy actually succeeds in killing Heather next week, instead of just maiming her like it did this week, then Ambreal does have a good shot at sticking around. I'd hate to see that happen, though (as would all those Cover Girl of the Week voters). After all, it wasn't dehydration, or the stress of looking "model sexy," or the stifling heat caused by Enrique Iglesias furiously going through the motions that made Heather collapse. It was Bianca's bitchiness. That's a fact.

When Heather fainted at the mole-less Enrique Iglesias video shoot, a clock started ticking in my head counting down the seconds until Bianca said something bitchy about it. The ANTM editors didn't disappoint: just two minutes after Heather collapsed, there was Bianca in her punk porcupine wig saying that she didn't want to be a bitch, but, well, clearly modeling is too much for Heather.

Of course, that post-faint bitch declaration didn't even compare to Bianca's anti-Heather tirade in the jacuzzi earlier, when she complained about Heather to Heather as if Heather wasn't there. Was she confused? Does she think that people with Asperger's have some kind of bitchiness shield? Obviously not, because then she addressed Heather directly, saying, "You are gorgeous in the face." You are gorgeous in the face! If all the bitchiness Bianca imbued in that sentence could be geometrically quantified, it would make a perfect, sharp equilateral triangle of pure cattiness.

Elsewhere in the episode, Bianca was given more opportunities to complain about Heather when Tyra made all the girls wear nude body suits to practice moving (including crawling, stomping, sliding, and rubbing one's shoulders). Here, though, Bianca—however malicious—might have a point. Heather wasn't so much "Tim-Burton-eqsue" sexy when she jerkily crawled across the floor, as she was girl-from-The-Ring unsettling. Still, I'm glad Bianca wasn't there to see Heather's delayed reaction to the Tyra mail. She'd probably still be bitching about how the cameras only capture Heather's delayed reactions cause she's got "a disability, or whatever." She'd have a point about that too—if, you know, Chantal, and that vast emptiness behind her eyes, didn't exist.

Grade: B

Stray Observations:

—About that jacuzzi: is it also a hallway or a rain gutter or something? Why is it so long and skinny?

—How many times did Nigel say "plus-size" in his evaluation of Sarah? 50? 100?

—The director said he picked Lisa because of her look and because she's very tall, in other words, her leg can definitely reach around Enrique and across the hallway without wobbling.


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