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America's Next Top Model: "The Girl Who Becomes America's Next Top Model"

Illustration for article titled America's Next Top Model: "The Girl Who Becomes America's Next Top Model"
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Illustration for article titled America's Next Top Model: "The Girl Who Becomes America's Next Top Model"

The news came down with a resounding "Duh," followed by a series of extended yips and shrieks. America's Next Top Girl Who Does A Series Of Cover Girl Commercials During The Next Cycle Of ANTM, Followed By A Long Career Of Nothing is….Saleisha (and her hair helmet)!

Let this be a lesson to all you young girls out there: All it takes is a few summers at Tyra Banks modeling camp, endless reserves of enthusiasm, an abundance of tolerance for Tyra's many crazy and/or thoughtless whims, the ability to "spew rainbows," and an unfortunate haircut, and you too can be a fleeting blip on the massive Radar screen that is Tyra Banks' ego. Don't forget to be a good role model!

I would feel bad for Jenah (not for Chantal, though, since she'll probably forget what happened by the time she swims around the aquarium again), if losing ANTM wasn't like dodging a bullet made out of Cover Girl fruit spritzers. Who wants to yell "This is my life!" on the CW once a week before fading into furnishings of the next ANTM house.

So, this has to be the most anti-climactic ANTM finale since, well, Cycle 8. Everyone—the contestants, Mr. Jay, Ms. Jay's afro, Twiggy, the stilt walkers, the country of China, etc.—seemed to be going through the motions. There was even a point during the final deliberations when Tyra said to the other judges something like, "Can you believe this is the ninth time we've done this?" And there was a quick shot of their faces registering nothing but exhaustion. "Of course we can believe it's the ninth time," their eyes (which are the most effective organ for both talking and smiling) seemed to say, "Just get on with it."

But even though the winner and the challenges were obvious from the start, the finale was still worth watching for Tyra's displays of bitchery and/or ridiculousness. In fact, here are 5 Ways At Looking At Tyra Banks:

1. The photo of Tyra wrapping her claws around Jaslene like a spider surrounding its prey.

2. The psychoanalysis via judging of Jenah. First it was, "Why do you have that wall up?" Then Mr. Jay chimed in with, "You resent your mother." And then it was tears and Tyra saying, "I'd rather see a girl crying, than a girl like na na na."

3. Tyra's last words to Jenah before kicking her off: "I feel like I know you now." (Implied: "So, I'm kicking you off. Thanks for crying!")

4. Terrifying posing instructions that are not at all instructive, "You could smile like this, or this, or this."

5. Subtitle: "Tyra Banks is now arriving." You realize that the entourage of fancy umbrellas and dancers and the guy announcing her entrance is what is going on in Tyra's head any time she enters a room, right? I bet she has a room in her house where footage of that entrance is projected on a wall on loop all the time.

She just keeps getting more ridiculous. See you in Cycle 10!

Grade: C+

Stray Observations:

—Poor Jenah. Her teeth (and her intelligence) get in the way of her ability to talk about Wet Slicks Fruit Spritzers Lip Gloss.

—"I'm reading lines! I'm a dumb model! And this is the lip gloss!" That about sums it up, Mr. Jay.

—The best part, as always, about the ANTM finales is how incredibly elaborate, but thoroughly empty they are. If they're going to hire 500 extras, and 80 stilt walkers, and a special Tyra Banks announcer, couldn't they at least round up an audience besides the four judges? It's like staging the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade for two people.

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