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Illustration for article titled iAmericas Next Top Model/i: The Final Five
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Illustration for article titled iAmericas Next Top Model/i: The Final Five

The description for this episode on my cable guide read simply, "One model screams at the judges"—six words that made me embarrassingly excited. A go-see episode and a breakdown at panel episode, complete with Elina screaming (obviously it would be Elina screaming at the judges, perhaps shouting, "You want to see me lose control? How's this for losing control?!?!?")? Rarely does ANTM deliver such a cornucopia of petty dramas. Alas, it was not to be. Elina screamed at the judges, alright, but only after they stripped her of her shirt, loosened her hair, and practically dragged the scream from her throat. (Sounds like torture, I know, but really it's just modeling!) Now I'm convinced that Tyra writes the misleading episode descriptions for my cable guide. There's no other explanation for such a bait-and-switch.

Still, it was the go-see episode, with all the models running, models getting lost, models being late, models sadly clutching unhelpful maps, and models asking for directions in a foreign land we've come to expect. And this time there were boats! Really, really slow, thoroughly unnecessary Dutch boats. Scott likened last week's "Find the house by using a series of pay phones!" to The Amazing Race, but really the ANTM go-sees are the original Amazing Race—or at least I'm sure that's how Tyra sees it.

Not surprisingly, the girls who are relatively normal and look the most like, you know, actual models (i.e., McWig, and Analeigh) did the best on their go-sees. While the girls who have extenuating personality defects like bubble-headed ditzyness (Samantha), general reptilian coldness (Elina), and severe debilitating awkwardness (Marjorie) failed to impress the colorful array of Dutch designers in Amsterdam: The Fashion Capitol Of Holland. The aging Rainbow Brite swimsuit designer found Samantha "too commercial," which roughly translates to "too dense to model my serious high-fashion bikinis." The Dutch dandy, who also designs evening gowns, was put-off by Elina's sweaty back—which isn't really her fault, while Grandma Rainbow Brite hated Elina's tats—which is her fault.

Then there was Marjorie, poor, awkward, oddly twitchy Marjorie. She spent what seemed like an eternity trying to find her first designer, to no avail. Everyone she asked for directions—and Marjorie asked everyone—was no help. One woman didn't even stop, although, can you blame her? When a strange, twitchy young woman who looks like a cross between Oliver Twist and a spooked ostrich approaches you on the street, trailed by a camera crew, it's only natural to get away as quickly as possible. In the end, Marjorie only made it to two designers, neither of whom she impressed with anything other than her extreme nervousness. But it was McWig, so entranced by architecture and, uh, sunlight she couldn't make it back on time, who ended up losing at the go-sees.

Not that any of that mattered, of course. Tyra was the photographer for the girls' "exposed/glammed up" photo shoot, so all that mattered was what Tyra thought. (Coincidentally, this is all that matters ever in any ANTM judging.) Turns out Tyra has a big problem with Elina, no doubt because Tyra isn't European and therefore can't understand Elina. It's the same problem Tyra has had with Elina since, oh I don't know, at least Episode 7 but tonight she finally decided it was a fatal problem: Elina has been too controlled for too long. And since Elina's stiffness has grown much more tiresome than Marjorie's ongoing debilitating awkwardness, Elina had to be sent home. Well, back to America, aka Not Europe.

Grade: B

Stray Observations:

—We're all in agreement that Analeigh, aka Baby Topanga, is clearly the winner, right? Just checking.

—Did everyone see McWig's chain mail vest in the beginning of the episode? Just checking.

—Not to echo Tyra, but, Elina is 18!? Maybe Europe ossifies your personality/face faster than in America. I don't believe it.

—"Tattoos are probably the best way I can express myself." Aww. Elina really is 18.

—The best part about Tyra's lengthy over-explanation of her "inspiration" for the make-up/no make-up photo shoot was that I'm sure it was edited down from a half-hour of non-story about how great her NY Times Magazine photo shoot was. The second best part? I knew she couldn't resist bringing up that stupid photo shoot.

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