Last night, the Goddess Of Fierce slapped away her army of round-the-clock weave teasers (with Tyra's webbed fingers, a slap like that really hurts), and ordered the remaining contestants to be driven deep into the Brazilian jungle—more specifically, the part of the Brazilian jungle that looks like a well-manicured "Brazilian jungle" set in Santa Barbara. "I want the girls to mate with native birds in the jungle, lay eggs, wait for them to hatch, and then I shall take pictures, such beautiful pictures, of the resulting mutant bird-people."
Luckily for the girls, the producers were able to talk Tyra out of her whole "creating a race of jungle bird people" photo shoot idea, and instead they just teased the girls' hair to Tina-Turner-in-Mad-Max levels and put some feathers on them. Photographer Fierce Tyra came up with a new photo concept to match the styling: "You're a birdy/owl/pterodactyl who's protecting your eggs. But the eggs are in the pit, not in the nest…Whatever."
Whatever, indeed. But before Tyra could get her noted-photographer on, she got her hammy-actress on by having her beat-down, beleaguered shell of a production crew set up a Jeep "crash" in the middle of the road leading to the photo shoot. When the bus carrying her victims, uh, I mean, models stopped, Tyra burst out from behind the rented smoke machine, "We need to get out of here right away!" she emoted. "Do you know why? Because I am photographing you today!" You said it, Tyra. They should have gotten far, far away.
Having ignored the warning, Lemur Barbie, Aminat, Granny Martha Plimpton (thanks, Lady GaGa's War On Pants), and Obvious-ANTM-Cycle-12-Winner-Let's-Just-Get-This-Over-With Teyona were treated to what was probably a half-hour long "I'm a real photographer!" boasting session from Tyra. See, Tyra is such a real photographer, that she got to shoot some go-sees in Sao Paolo ("The Fashion Capital Of Brazil!"—Tyra Banks) the other day, and there was this guy there who was giving her total wolf face. What? You don't know what wolf face is? It was like his eyes were all, "Grrr!" See? Every time Tyra pointed her camera at him, his eyes went "Grrr!" It was crazy! Tyra was all, "You're giving me wolf eyes, you wolf man, you." To which the model responded, "Não falo o inglês." And then Tyra was like, "You feral?" But the guy wasn't feral, he just seemed it because that's how great Tyra's photography skills are.
Next, it was on to the actual shoot! Lemur Barbie found her "softness," and made Tyra feel like her momma, which means Tyra feels maternal only towards bird people who whisper, "You're so pretty" in her ear as they're leaving set. Aminat either didn't use, or totally used her body, depending on whether or not you want to align yourself with human prariedog Ann Shoket. Teyona straddled a tree so well Tyra almost slipped off of a log (so many wasted double entendres!). At one point, while Tyra was being interviewed, some of the moths from inside her skull escaped and tried to attack her, which was exciting. And Granny Martha Plimpton somehow managed to conceal her walker in her photo, and Tyra wasn't even bothered by the constant creak, creak, creaking of her older than old bones or the nursing home smell that wafted from her even through the thick, humid jungle air.
But, of course, Celia's age did bother Tyra and the other judges at panel. It's a shame that a little thing like how old you've been for the entire show can suddenly sneak up on you and get you eliminated like that, but thus is the illogic of ANTM. It's a show where Tyra can give advice to (Obvious third runner-up) Aminat that's basically, "Either get a new face, or figure out how to bend the physical properties of light." There are no rules, except the constantly changing ones that Tyra makes up on her long journeys to Bankable Productions from the edge of the abyss.
—Tyra to Celia: "You have a future in fashion." Implied: Just not as a model, Grandma.
—Oh, there was also the whole boring Paulina-teaches-the-girls-how-to-Samba-because-that-has-something-to-do-with-modeling? part of the show, but I didn't mention it above because re-living it might make me fall asleep. A mango-carving contest would have been more interesting and had just as much to do with both Brazil and modeling.
—"It isn't a conventional face." "She has some angles." "Not fresh." The judges were really bending over backwards this week trying to avoid calling Celia "ugly-pretty."
—Nigel about Allison: "She's like a sexy baby bird." Implied: And I'm the noted tomcat who's going to catch her between my claws. Hahahahaha. Also Implied: Stay away from Nigel, Allison.
—Celia certainly made the most of her last week: First she and Allison were running around the house in sequin tunics, then she was reclining on the window seat staring out, then she was lounging in a lawn chair while eating peanut butter from the jar and wearing a fuzzy vest. It was like Celia's own personal take on Grey Gardens.