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America's Next Top Model: "Make Me Tall"

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As any longtime viewer of America's Next Top Girl In That One Cover Girl Magic Marker Hip Lip Stain Pains Ad Followed By A Lifetime Of Obscurity will attest, the show is obviously edited by the corral of babbling toddlers that Tyra keeps near her perch at the edge of the abyss so she can have an unlimited supply of fresh baby drool to pat on her under-eye circles. (She thinks their youth will keep her young.) And, well, the toddlers do a pretty good edting job—for toddlers. But unfortunately, toddlers are not very subtle when it comes to editing reality shows which is why the characterization of certain girls is often just slapped on a random episode.

For example, in tonight's episode we found out that not only can Ashley speak, a heretofore unimaginable possibility, but that she can bitch. And what does Ashley bitch to her detachable parasitic twin Lulu about? Oh, pretty much everyone/thing: Brittany, Brittany's walk, Brittany's face, lemons, tea, Bianca, how Bianca is taking advantage of Bloody Eyeball by talking to her in the hot tub (?), the position of Bianca's eyebrows—you know, everyone and everything. "Put your eyebrows down!" is how Ashley says, "Hi." If Cornpone Laura didn't solely communicate through a combination of folksy frozen food aisle references and BBQ sauce semaphore, then Ashley would have the weirdest personal language.

So, clearly, the corral of toddlers was trying to tell us that either Ashley or her parasitic twin Lulu were going to be sent home in tonight's episode. Their edit was like a giant flashing neon arrow pointing towards the two of them, so Tyra could easily single them out for punishment. After all, Ashley and Lulu were evaluating the other girls performances—and only Tyra is allowed to do that, in her very own special language: EgoSpeak. But which one would it be? Such are the paltry mysteries of ANTM.

But I digress. Tonight was the Ms. Jay's runway lessons episode, which they really should have skipped because, you know, unless J. Crew Petites is gonna erect a catwalk at the Mall Of America, these girls aren't gonna need it. Still, runway lessons give Tyra yet another chance to remind the girls of exactly how short and how unlike real models they really are! They're so short they're like mini-models. Or children. Stop. You're both right: first, the girls were treated to a runway walk duet performance starring Ms. Jay and a small child named Diva in matching goth prom tutus. Then the girls were paired off with real models ("girls 5'10" and above") and forced to walk alongside them in a runway show held at malibu barbie's McMansion. Why? For comedy/shortie torture. Anne "advertorial" Shoket popped her head up from her burrow like the lil' prarie dog that she is, looked around nervously, and pronounced Brittany the winner.


Next it was off to the "Elongate yourself!" photoshoot where the girls were told to stretch their bodies along some ropes and old playground equipment because that's how you look tall? Sure. The rack would have been easier—and more editorial!—but sure. Rusty playground equipment it is. Oh, and before you criticize Tyra for doing a photoshoot where the short girls have to appear taller, she has an explanation. See, sometimes "you gotta be able to appear taller in high fashion." Usually, this problem is circumvented by hiring actual tall people, but Tyra needed a gimmick for this season, soooo…

In the end, it was down to Brittany, because she posed like a broken ballerina (not a tall look) when she should have posed like Go-go-Gadget legs, and LuLu, because she has trouble breathing (I'm paraphrasing EgoSpeak). Obviously, Lulu went home—which means we'll never get to see her bitch about working with the midgets in this season's inevitable Freak-Show-themed photoshoot.


Grade: C+

Stray Observations:

—I figured out who Sundai looks like: She's a black Kelly Ripa with a bad haircut.


—Also, since her hair is bleached white and always piled on top of her head, Erin looks like Martha Washington.

—Congrats to Kara Not-So-Fresh (Baby Kelly Bensimon) for the win. It's definitely her last. Next week, the corral of toddlers will work on the "Have you noticed that Kara doesn't look so fresh?" edit.


—Can you believe no one told Tyra that Santigold barfed glitter on the shoulder of her harem pantsuit right before judging? She's gonna be so mad.

—"Tonight's guest judge is a petite supermodel who you've never heard of cause, you know, she's petite, and Kate Moss is the only 'petite' model anyone can name."


—It was nice of Jesus to soften Bianca's face for her.

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