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America's Next Top Model: "House Of Pain"

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Oh, Aimee's a Mormon? Aww, and she was so cute as a little girl, tucked underneath her mom's prairie sleeve and long hair. Well, Aimee, I hope your mom still has hair that long, because she can use it to dry your tears when you are eliminated later on in this episode.

Oh, and Claire's milk is drying up? Ew. The inclusion of that comment alone guaranteed you a spot near the bottom, Claire.

Really, this bottom 2/top 2 editing is getting a little tiresome. Just once I'd like for them to throw in a few red herrings: like maybe some background about Stacy-Ann's voice and why her vocal cords stopped developing at age 6, or an glimpse into MOB's childhood on the glacier, or a photo of Anya in her larvae stage. It would keep us, the viewers, on our toes.

And guess what, Tyra? Our toes ache from under-use. Owww. They're in pain! Thanks for letting us all in on the fact that pain is the biggest "modeling tip trick." I've never looked as photogenic as I do right now scrunching my face, furrowing my brow, and squinting my eyes trying to think about the idiotic advice and activities you plan for these contestants just so you can have yet another Tyra Ham Session. Wouldn't it be simpler to just have the girls come to dance studio, sit down in a semi-circle, and watch you roll around on the floor, faking calf pain and menstrual cramps for an hour? If the rumors about you leaving the show are true, it could be whittled down to a tidy half-hour: just nudity with Nigel Barker (great prize, by the way), photo shoots that hold on to ridiculous themes with two firmly clenched fists, and catty fights about alarm clocks and who is crazy.

About that fight: I (obviously) side with the three "dancing monkeys" over Dominique and Dominique's feelings about how Dominique is being treated. I also agree with how Lauren chose to reason with Dominique: maniacal yelling. The only way to get through to a crazy person is through complete insanity. Anyway, you would need to yell just to penetrate the layers of her own name that encase Dominique's brain like a thick shell.

Speaking of Dominique and her self-delusions, has she ever looked quite as drag as when she was dressed up like a hippie folk singer at the McCarren Pool "you are music" photo shoot? That had late-60s-Cher impersonator written all over it. As for the other girls, giving Eastern European MOB "emo" was a clear no-brainer, as was giving Anya "punk"—and that red stripe across her eyes made at least part of her visible (temporarily). Fatima had an easy time with "heavy metal," but she was already halfway there, since she has the physique of an old bicycle. Lauren played "pop" in a red pleather outfit the easy way: by standing in one spot and never moving. Stacy-Ann lead a cheery "house" rave, though she did get some non-sensical criticism from Tyra (is there any other kind?) about her lack of "dun duh duh duh"-ness around the turntables. Whitney successfully morphed into Anna Nicole as a "grunge" teenager, but Claire had more than a little trouble embodying the clearly drag, costumey form of "country" that the judges were looking for. I'm sure that it was the only time in her life that Claire wished she were Dominique, so the drag could come easier.

Naturally, Aimee, in her Alicia Keys costume, had the most trouble and so she was eliminated. But, of course, the real reason was that we found out she was a Mormon this episode.

Grade: B-

Stray Observations:

—I'm happy that Whitney won the photo shoot, but unfortunately this just means that Tyra's inevitable breaking of her spirit will be that much sooner.

—Speaking of Whitney, why did they have to wrap a flannel around the plus-size girl's waist? It's just not right.

—"It's, like, yeah. It's like Christmas for them." Dominique, don't you mean, "It's, like, Dominique. Like Dominique-mas for them"?

—Did it seem like there was more Tyra Mail this episode? That ticker should come with a spam filter.

—Claire's reasoning for her friendship with Lauren and Whitney was so sound: They're similar, you see, in that they all hate Dominique.

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