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Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

America's Next Top Model: "Hawaiian Hip-Hop"

Illustration for article titled America's Next Top Model: "Hawaiian Hip-Hop"
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To go along with the midget cycle/season of ANTM, Tyra has chosen to give only the teeniest, tiniest bit of suspense about the winner (Bloody Eyeball). Obviously, we all know that Bloody Eyeball is the winner. After all, she's the only one of the girls who has a chance of becoming an actual high-fashion model, which usually isn't the goal of ANTM (incidentally the goal of ANTM is to sell Cover Girl Exact Lash Blash Supermax Prison Zing! Eyelights Eyeshadows, and to provide Tyra with enough fresh hair extensions to stuff her mattress), but because this is the midget cycle/season, and Tyra is trying to make a point about how midgets can be high-fashion models too (even though, obviously, they can't) she has to pick the tallest (5'7") and most high-fashion-capable of the midgets to win. This way, she can say, "I, Tyra Banks, really broke down a lot of barriers in the modeling world for 'petite' girls," even though Bloody Eyeball isn't really a petite model. She's just a slightly shorter model whose face and look are so exceptional, she'd have no problem getting work because of her height.

But I digress—or as frequently tweaked-out Wonkeye Jennifer would say it, BUT I DIGRESS HAHAHAHA. Tyra is giving us a teeny tiny bit of suspense to match the teeny tiny models by going through with a final two at all. She eliminated the final three episode, because what's the point? But Tyra hasn't crowned Bloody Eyeball Le Petit Top Model yet—which means we'll have at least one more week of Cornpone Laura's homespun, molasses-voiced, country-fried ramblins. Yee-haw!

From castratin' bulls to makin' it to the finale of the tiny people cycle of ANTM, Cornpone Laura has come a long way! Such a long way in fact that now she's revising her (already clearly perfect) catchphrase. Tonight she drawled, "Seems like not that long ago I was castratin' bulls and cuttin' hay. Now I'm in the final four on  America's Next Top Model."  What is this "cuttin' hay" bullshit? Don't improvise the line, Laura, just do it as written, please. Why would you try to gild the castratin' bulls lily? Or to put it in Cornpone terms, why would you try to bedazzle a perfectly good Gramma Wanda Sue Original? It's got all the sparkle it needs!

So, from castratin' bulls and nothing else to learning hula hip-hop on a Hawaiian beach, Laura really has come so far.  Obviously, the other girls also learned how to hula hip-hop, which I guess we're pretending is an actual thing and not some rejected idea for a fusion fitness class at Crunch. Sure, Tyra. The alleged real point of the hula hip-hop teach was to have the girls "tell a story with their bodies" because that's the key to modeling. That, and looking really, really tall if it's what the client wants (and that's what all the clients want, except for Ann Taylor Petites and various boat shows), right, Tyra?

In the end, all the girls' body stories looked the same: awkward. Although there were some variations: Bloody Eyeball's was spastic and awkward; Wonkeye's was kinda boring and awkward; and Cornpone Laura's was "bend over to front, touch your toes" and awkward. Then there was Erin who, despite all of her cheerleader training, looked like an albino bicycle frame repeatedly crashing against the air. (Well, an albino bicycle frame but thinner. There's model-skinny and then there's "Yikes!" and seeing Erin next to those dancers made me realize that she's definitely in the scary-skinny category.) Naturally, Cornpone Laura won because she has heard the song "Get Low" before. Her prize was to return to Maui with one of the other girls for a 5-day vacation. Cornpone Laura inexplicably chose Wonkeye. Maybe the sound of the surf drowns out some of Jen's yell-speak?

Next the lil' modelettes were driven to a "secret beach" and made to pose on some secret rocks while the secret Pacific Ocean crashed behind them. Things went as they usually do: Nicole was amazing, and the other girls were pretty okay. Wonkeye Jen tried to barbie toe on the secret slippery rocks, which is how you secretly break a secret ankle, so she was shaky. Unfortunately, she recovered in time to do some more of her dead-fish, open-mouth poses. Cornpone Laura went from castratin' bulls to lookin' like a startled version of Rachel Hunter. And Erin listened to a pop song in her head to keep her brattishness somewhat at bay.


In the end, however, Tyra, not Cornpone, was the one who did the double chop, eliminating Wonkeye for general blahness and Erin for general bitchiness. Cornpone was spared, but Nicole wins next week. From castratin' bulls to comin' in 2nd to Nicole on the teeny people season of ANTM, Cornpone Laura has come a long way!

Stray Observations:

—"Love yourself too. But don't let that positivity get you down." Don't let that moronic non-logic get you down either, Erin.


—Poor Laura just gets more and more sunburned every week. She's like a fresh egg just a sizzlin in a pan.

—Jen: "The Four Seasons, that's an awsome place. It's a coveted hotel." Laura: "What's that mean?"


—"Look, mommy! I want to be a model." Aww. Tyra's origin story!