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Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

America's Next Top Model: "Dive Deeper"

Illustration for article titled America's Next Top Model: "Dive Deeper"
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Tonight on Le Petit Top Model, the miniscule lil' modelettes are really starting to show their true tiny personalities. Bloody Eyeball has a stoner voice, but she's pretty sharp, and by "sharp" I mean "she can identify that Erin is a brat." Erin, aka Albino Mena Suvari, is a brat who may or may not be a cupcake Nazi. Sundai is an over-enunciating former foster kid who is shrewdly saving her sob story for when she makes top four (Hmm. Interesting strategy for sticking around, Sundai. After all, we all know how Tyra loves to capture the sob stories of others in jars and then put them under her bed. When she collects 70 of them she gets a diamond made out of tears!). Who else? Oh right, Wonkeye might be a closet speed freak—well, either that or she was just sooo lightheaded from holding her breath when they interviewed her, that all she could do WAS YELL REALLY FAST AND LAUGH REALLY WEIRDLY HAHAHA.

And then there's Cornpone Laura who is just a bucket of country sunshine, chicken fried buttermilk biscuits, and sweet tea. "Everybody loves me on my birthdaaaaaay," she drawls. "I never thought I would be here. From castrating bulls to modelling!" Incidentally, if I were Cornpone Laura, I would use that particular phrase to begin every sentence, about any action: "From castrating bulls to using eyeshadow." "From castrating bulls to eating a salad." "From castrating bulls to watching TV."  Mentioning the removal of a bull's testicles just makes everything that much more exciting.


From castrating bulls to taking a shower in front of some Victoria's Secret model. (See?) First up tonight, Laura and the other tiny specs of modeldom were summoned to a beach where they were subjected to the whims of porn direct—oh, whoops, I mean, model Marisa Miller. Cornpone Laura knew exactly who Marisa was because ever since she was a little girl, on her breaks from bull-castratin' she would "study" Victoria's Secret catalogs. (And what little girl doesn't? That's how I learned that "Pewter" was a color. And that "v-string" is an article of clothing.)

Marisa Miller joyously exclaimed to the midget models that she too is a midget! Well, actually, she's 5'8"—which is at least an inch taller than all of them, and technically doesn't make her a "petite" model at all, but whatever! She's the exact cut-off height for real modeling! Woo. Everyone cheer for non-petite model Marisa Miller! She was supposed to teach the girls about bathing suit modeling or beaches or something. Here are some of her lessons: "Push out your booty." "Women like the side, cause they like to see your curves. Men like it full on." "Barbie toe is so important." "Get yourself all wet. Sundai, you gotta get yourself all wet." "Roll in the sand. Roll!" "Okay, now you're gonna pose in the shower over there." "Don't rub your boobs." "Be really fluid." "I can't see your butt. Where's your butt?" "Close your mouth. What are you trying to catch in there?" "Sundai's cute. Sometimes too cute." "Great Barbie toe." "On your knees—that's great." "Good, you're sticking your hips back. Good." "Must be weird not to have anyone come on you."

Whoops. That last one was from Showgirls, but, honestly with that "teach" it was hard to tell the difference.

Next, Nigel Barker appeared from behind a noted cliff and forced the model-nuggets to jump off of said cliff into the ocean one by one while looking both "graceful" and "sexy" at the same time. No one was able to do this obviously but Bloody Eyeball won because, why not? Her prize was a $5000 chocolate pearl necklace, a hug from a Hawaiian man, and 10 blissful minutes away from Wonkeye's tweaked-out yelling. In addition, everyone else got extra frames for their photoshoot—except Erin, because she's a brat that no one likes.


From there it was on to the underwater photoshoot, of which Laura could later say, "From castrating bulls to hyperventilating underwater at a photo shoot on the bottom of the ocean!" Of course, the itty-bitty girls weren't at the bottom of the ocean at all. Most of them stayed pretty close to the surface, especially Sundai who came up every few minutes to over-enunciate something about her asthma. Then, they showed her stumble as she walked up to the boat deck. Clearly Sundai was going home.

Poor Sundai. If only she had played her foster kid sob story card a little earlier, she might not have been eliminated. A foster kid might be more intriguing for Tyra to keep around than a brat. But Tyra already got what she wanted from Sundai: fake role-modeldom: "You're a role model for foster kids everywhere," she told Sundai. Uh, sure, even though everyone just found out that Sundai was a foster kid, and were given no specifics about her experience whatsoever. Still, because of ANTM, foster kids everywhere will know that Tyra Banks will make fun of the way that you talk ("I wanna shoot your tongue with novocaine to relax it!"), and eliminate you right before the final on her reality modeling show. Good luck, kids!


Stray Observations:

—Marisa Miller's flat, almost honking voice was so disconcerting—even more disconcerting than usual when you first hear a model speak.


—Cornpone Laura's birthday party was kind of cute: From castrating bulls to bein blindfolded by a bikini top on your birthday at some big ole house in Hawaii!

—"My biggest fear in the world is to die from lack of Oxygen." That's a pretty reasonable fear.


—"Looking at your shot, I didn't even know that you had a fear of drowning." Also, Tyra didn't even know that you were a person who lives on land and has lungs.

—"You are treating the light like your best friend here." Seriously, it's like you're making friendship bracelets for the light underwater while posing. Good work, Nicole.


—Nigel Barker has a noted foot fetish. Ew.

—So, do you think Tyra is going to give Cornpone back the faux-fashiony jacket that her grandma made for her?


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