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Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

America's Next Top Model: "And The Winner Is..."

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Illustration for article titled America's Next Top Model: "And The Winner Is..."

So, not to gloat, but I toooold you so. Whitney won! And, if you don't like it, Whitney will stomp over to your fridge, extensions floating on a gust of wind of her own creation, and direct you to precisely which eggs you can suck.

When you think about it, and smile with your eyes, Whitney's ascension was inevitable—and not just because she gave the best flashback quote in the beginning of the episode. In true pageant style, it all came down to platforms. Tyra recognized that there has already been an ANTM role model for awkward talkers (Jaslene) so Anya couldn't win. And while Fatima's platform (female circumcision awareness) was a good one, Fatima herself couldn't sell it—after all she couldn't even sell mascara. Whitney and her platform of not being built like a bicycle frame was irresistible. Having the first plus-size, excuse me, full-figured ANTM winner, is way more interesting than having the first meeping one or stiff Somalian one. Whitney had to win.

But let's see what Wikipedia has to say about Whitney's win:

The worst winner of the series was Whitney Thompson, a 20 year-old ho from Atlantic Beach, Florida who is a stupid fatass. [1].


Oh, people who edit reality TV show wikipedia entries moments after the finale. Please don't ever change. (I wonder if the person who added that "fact" was one of the same people who told Whitney "You're not that fat." Their comments seem to have gone from backhanded to sucker-punch-right-in-the-face.)

Of course, there were more than a few fake-outs this episode, moments when it looked as if ANTM might have its first invisible winner, instead of its first normal-sized one. There was Tyra's comment about Anya's looks, "Beauty doesn't have to be cookie-cutter." (But it does have to be visible.) There was Paulina's summation of the glitter parade that was the Versace runway show: "I saw a budding high-fashion model, and a ham." (But there's nothing wrong with being a ham. Right, Tyra? This comment probably clinched it for Whitney in Tyra's mind.)And there was that weird smirk that Nigel gave Anya when Tyra announced he was going to be shooting the Seventeen spread. (Seriously. What was that?)

But when Tyra made Whitney cry at the penultimate panel with the words "There's something else under there isn't there?" Whitney was as good as on her way to the Cover Girl factory to start filming her life as a Cover Girl. Tyra had broken her, so now she was Tyra's to bend and shape and pose with for giant photos to hang on every available surface in the Cycle 11 house. I'm beginning to understand why Tyra insists on calling these seasons "cycles."

Grade: A-

Stray Observations:

—Arrivadoche, Anya! We'll miss not seeing you.

—Is it just me, or did this year's runway finale halfway resemble an actual runway show, instead of a giant pump to inflate Tyra's ego? There were no trumpets to announce her entrance, or servants carrying umbrellas, or anything.

—It's taken me the whole cycle/season, but I finally figured out what animal Seventeen editor Ann Shoket most resembles: dazed, over-accessorized aardvark.

—Did you tear up during Saleshia's last My Life As A Cover Girl commercial? Now her hammerhead eyes, and that pile of curls on top of her head will disappear, along with the rest of her, for all eternity.

—"Ungh!" [splat] "Isn't my baby pretty?" Yes, Tyra. But gross.

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