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American Idol: Group 1 Results Show

Illustration for article titled iAmerican Idol/i: Group 1 Results Show
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It's hard to evaluate these results shows, you know? Like in the pantheon of television history, tonight's episode was a tiny floating turd, but in the grand scheme of American Idol, it was ok as far as results shows go. We had our flashbacks to shit we had just seen, the re-singing of songs we'd just heard, and very few (if any) surprises. But I don't feel enraged, which is my reaction after a particularly weak results show.

So Ryan informed us that the show received ten million more votes last than it did at this stage of the competition last year. I'm not sure how to interpret that since I believe there was a different number of contestants last year but I'll leave it to the math geniuses who figured out how we're going to get a top twelve out of this process. Ryan then got Kara to sing like a canary when he asked her who stunk last night, but Paula of course wouldn't name names. We did get some obligatory faux sexual tension talk between Paula and Simon so it's just like old times.


Recap #1 came with the recap of the last few weeks, the first statement of course being Michael Sarver saying "Ah'm a ruff-neck." What is it with Idol producers and the phrase “roughneck”? I guess it's sexier than "office assistant."

So I must be truly immune to the worst Idol has to offer because before I watched, a friend emailed me about the group number and said "They should be paying you double for watching/writing about Idol this season if that group rendition of ‘I'm Yours’ was any indication of the overall experience. It was like the proverbial car wreck from which it is impossible to turn away. YIKES." This got me excited but then I watched it and—call me crazy—I didn’t think it was that bad.. I think the group numbers hit their nadir last season, what with Amanda Overmyer refusing to sing or dance or smile but tonight they all looked like they were having a good time and even the dancing wasn't as awful as you see on Idol, although Casey still did her face thing. Please remember again I am comparing this to previous Idol group performances, not group performances in general. Maybe I'm high. (I wish).

Recap #2 came after Ryan proclaimed last night's a very "raw" show (I thought he said "long" at first), by which he meant that the production was wack, I think, or maybe the singing. For some reason the performances were shown out of order.

Ryan seems a little extra snappish this season. After forcing Anoop to admit that he was nervous, Ryan began messing with Tatiana (who was wearing Paula's ring. "You made it beautiful!" Tatiana said, whatever that means.) Ryan practically snapped his fingers in Tatiana's face in order to get her to participate in his patter.


We got to the eliminations, which now feature extra creepy music, possibly featuring the intonations of monks. Casey and Stephen were eliminated to no one's surprise and Alexis, who has super pale legs, got real cheers when she got up on stage. "How nervous are you?" Ryan asked. "Would you throw up?" He'd feel really bad if she's bulimic. She made it to the top twelve, which I (and everyone else) predicted. I was annoyed that we had to re-hear her song but the kid is not bad.

Ricky and Jackie were brought up on stage. Simon said last night that Ricky was lacking star quality and charisma but I thought if anything was lacking charisma it was his clothes. There is a fine line between Idol men dressing snappily and dressing obnoxiously but a thermal shirt and khakis really didn't scream "Look Ma! I'm on TV!" Anyway, he and Jackie both got eliminated, again, no big shock.


I was sad when Anoop was brought up along with Michael because I knew that the two of them both couldn't make it. As we all know, a grad student could never defeat a roughneck in a singing competition. When Anoop was told he didn't make it I made the following emoticon in my notes:


Also, Michael's co-workers think Idol is for sissies, which is true.

I thought it was lame that all this happened in the first half hour of the show and we had another 30 minutes to kill before we found out that Danny Gokey would complete the top twelve. We learned that there is an American Idol "experience" at Disney World, Taylor Hicks seems to have lost some weight, and Michael Johns and Carly Smithson showed up to perform, which was fine. She's lost some weight and is starting to look a little bit like Dita Von Teese. She still likes those dark tights, too.


Stevie, Anne Marie and Country Boy all were brought up just to be sent home. Bye-bye.

And finally, Danny v. Tatiana. God, it was rather cruel. I would have rather seen Tatiana make the top three (I don't vote, company policy) but I know the rest of the world feels differently. Poor Tatiana looked like a wreck, fixing her hair, looking at the camera, not looking at the camera, trying to touch Danny to get a little comfort but he was having none. of. it. I'm sure some probably see him as a hero for this but I thought it was kind of shitty. Also, his glasses are stupid and his chain is bordering on dookie. OK, enough hating on Danny for tonight. He made it to the top twelve and sang (again, doing a good job). The camera panned to a photo someone was holding up of Danny and his Dead Wife but mostly it kept cutting, over and over again, to Tatiana, who could not or would not keep it together. Like I said, it seemed a little unnecessarily mean. "The crazy girl is sad! The crazy girl is sad!"


Uh, so anyway, unsurprising results. I'm looking forward to putting this week behind me. Keep in mind, next week's episodes will be broadcast on Wednesday and Thursday, and the group features such luminaries as Matt Girard (dueling pianist), Jasmine Murray (model-beautiful black girl) and Fall Out Man.

Grade: B-

Stray observations:

—I have none, except that this is awesome.


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