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Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

American Idol: “Auditions #5: Galveston, TX”

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7:00 Both for fun and to keep myself from going insane, I’m going to try something new tonight and cover tonight’s Idol in real time. Let’s get started.

7:01 Wow, a greeting from space! Space must be really boring.

Wait, are we in Houston or in Galveston?

7:02 I wonder when I’ll get sick of this Martin Solveig “Hello” song. It’ll happen someday, but not yet. It’s a good workout song.

7:03 Oh, the contestants are in Houston but the judges are in Galveston. They refuse to even be in the same city as those commoners?

Phong Vu. You can tell he’s going to be hilarious because he: has an accent, has a funny name, has funny teeth and doesn’t know Steven Tyler’s name. Oh, and now he’s crying? Wow, he’s really got it all. Now he’s working the America aspect of it.

Did he just say “It’s so phenomenon?” Can this audition be over, please?

Nice gong noise as he tries to enter the audition room.

“Bring back those nights when I held you besize me.”

Why are the judges letting this go on so long? Come on, guys. Come on, Phong. This isn’t fun or funny.


Actually, to hell with this guy, that’s what I think now, for wasting my precious life-time. Oh, now he’s crying again? He’s not for real, right? He can’t be.

I can’t believe this took up a whole segment.

7:10 What’s happening here is that they’re juxtaposing the tough-guy image of Texas with a bunch of mincing shrieking sassy gay guys. Get it?


7:11 I sorta like this knock-off of Scottie McCreery in the dark hat. But not so much the one in the white hat.

7:12 Skylar Laine is the gal on the ATV firing a rifle. She’s a Toddlers and Tiaras girl all growed up.


Oh, that’s how you pronounce “Pepaw” and “Memaw.”

Skylar’s family owns a store, but there are tough times in America, y’all.

Singing “Hell on Heels,” she reminds me of Lauren Alaina, only with a gun.

You know what, I think of all the Idol judges, I’d be most excited to meet Steven Tyler as well. I’d like to see if I could pick him up.


7:15 I not only find the Velveeta Liquid Gold commercials funny, I also am a little curious to know what the Velveeta Skillets taste like. Somebody talk me down, please.

7:19 I’m not sure what these pre-audition videos are adding to the show. I know they’re going to be adorable when we get to the final three or whatever, but they’re not that fun now.


7:20 Baylie Brown is back. She was 16 in Season 6 but crashed by the time she made it to Group Night. She’s a pretty good singer although I’m not sure if she’s doing much for me right now. Baylie, now 21, gets another chance in Hollywood! She seems a little boring.

7:22 28-year-old Kristine Osorio. I like her so far since she’s got short hair and tattoos. I’m rooting for the old-timers like her. Her sob story is that she’s getting divorced and is having a hard time making money. She took out a loan to pay her divorce lawyer but instead bought a plane ticket to audition for Idol. I’m sorry to say but these kind of “I made a foolish risk on a dream” stories don’t do it for me too much. But she’s a pretty good singer: she reminds me of Pink a little bit. No surprise: she makes it through.


7:25 Chicken McBites?! What are these, for people who are too lazy to make their way through an entire McNugget?

7:28 Jennifer’s fighting against the guy judges, apparently. I like seeing Jennifer have some personality—these judges don’t argue enough. I feel bad for the contestants, though, that they have to listen to the judges fight about her and just go home. This poor girl Cheyenne.


7:31 Linda Williams is shoutey and not so great. I’m glad that Jennifer is hearing what I hear. “Wake up. Honestly,” she’s telling Randy in front of Linda. Go Jennifer! Be a bitch. I love it.

7:32 It’s so silly seeing them fighting as hair and makeup people hover over Jennifer and Steven. But not Randy. Randy is naturally beautiful.


7:33 I am not looking forward to this “revolution” guy.

7:33 This movie The Vow: let me guess, Rachel McAdams’ character chooses to go back to her coma than to stay with her husband, right?


7:34 Man, these bitches are really having way too much fun for a square inch of Hershey’s Bliss.

7:35 Should I start watching New Girl?

7:36 Nothing is more appetizing than a guy digging with his finger in the back of his molars.


Alejandro Cazares. I can already tell this guy’s segment is going to be overlong and tedious. Why couldn’t they have focused on the guy applauding him for him wearing the little half gloves? Alejandro’s description of his dream revolution includes Barack Obama being President and Lady Gaga being a star, which are things that already happened.

His girlfriend won’t wish him luck because she doesn’t say something she doesn’t believe in? I call bullshit. Maybe he could be Penn Gillette’s stand-in?


“I wrote ‘Dream On’ back in the day when the Dead Sea was still sick.” Steven Tyler is like an uncle crossed with a math teacher.

Ugh! Now Alejandro is begging on his knees, asking them to let him sing in Spanish.


Uh oh, here comes the bouncer. Finally.

I’m not enjoying tonight’s freaks. They’re not funny or charming or the type that are so full of hubris that you love seeing crash and burn.


7:44 Day 2 starts just now? That’s a little strange.

7:45 Look at Jennifer’s abs. I just ate three homemade scones.

Cortez Shaw: This guy is really cute. Raised by a single mom and was occasionally homeless, so he’s got a good sob story for Idol. He’s kind of saying the same “USA! USA!” stuff as the jokers from this episode but since he’s cute it’s not as stupid. He’s singing an uptempo version of Adele’s “Someone Like You” which is a little jarring. He’s an okay singer but I would have rather heard this song the way it was supposed to be sung. Now Cortez is kissing the judges’ asses.


Did he just say “Lego!” after Jennifer gave him a yes?

7:49 I don’t like this commercial with the kid pretending to be an arctic explorer. I think he’s just biting off the character of Manny from Modern Family.


7:53 I kept rewinding to try to get the correct spelling of this girl’s name in the gold leggings who’s screaming “Rolling in the Deep,” but you know what, she doesn’t deserve it. She’s awful.

7:54 The judges are cracking each other up over this guy with the Troy Polamalu hair singing in the super-high voice.


7:55 Ramiro Garcia is a Church leader was born with little to no ears. He was supposed to be deaf and mute. This is a new sob story: it makes David Archuleta’s paralyzed vocal chord sound like Disneyworld. I like his singing. He sounds like a church guy, in a good way. Ooh, here come the goosebumps. His dad seems sweet.

“It’s all right. You can get emotional. It’s okay. Don’t you worry about it.” Thanks, Mr. Seacrest, you nice man.


7:59 I’m not sure how this timeline situation worked out. I feel like I was chatting with myself. I bet it would be a lot more fun with some other peeps joining in.

“Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.” OH STEVEN.