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Ooh it was one of them time-killey results shows tonight, the kind that piss you off that the episode wasn’t just boiled down to a half an hour. I could have really done without the Bing commercial dressed up as an inane video where the singers sort of talk about how they choose their songs and kind of talk about clothes. I also didn’t need the two—two!—part episode of Idol Hell’s Kitchen (although I will say it was a little mind-blowing to see it taped like an actual reality show of its own). Nor was it necessary to see the teaser of Jennifer’s upcoming video. The Ford music video was extra lame this week as well (to the tune “Be Yourself”), featuring disconcertingly awkward-looking special effects of the kids doing magic and whatnot. I wish that the show could hire some young and hungry writers who could make the process of watching extra commercials within a TV show slightly less irritating. I’m sure it can be done. I am, however, excited for Steven Tyler’s new memoir, Does the Noise In My Head Bother You?, which has a stupid title that in no way inhibits my desire to read it immediately.


I have to admit though that I totally got into the group number. “Happy Together” is one of my favorite songs and the first song I ever sang karaoke. At first I resisted, since the performance was pretty corny, but I just love that song, and it seems like they sang the WHOLE thing, including the “bah-bah-bah” (aka best) part. The harmony was a little bit wobbly at times but I love harmony so much I didn’t care.

After the Hell’s Kitchen omelet-cookoff (spoiler alert: Lauren won) Lady Antebellum performed “Just a Kiss.” I find Lady Antebellum unobjectionable but “Just a Kiss” doesn’t come close to “Need You Now” in terms of stick-in-your-head-ness.

When Ryan started the long elimination process, he let us know that we “might be surprised” tonight, which typically means, “You will be surprised.” A time-killer I didn’t mind too much during eliminations was hearing Jimmy’s input on the singers’ performances from Wednesday night.  It was gratifying to hear that he thought James’ crying impeded his second song, and he confirmed that Lauren backed off on “Unchained Melody” when she should have gone big.


Before we got to the news, of course, Jennifer Lopez performed “On the Floor.” I was pretty impressed: while she definitely had the help of a backing track, Jenny’s never exactly been known for her amazing singing voice, so I was surprised that we heard her sing at all. Her dancing was intense, her body looked great (although I hated the droopy sparkly diaper pants they put on her) and I enjoyed the fake breaking of fake glass. And she did it all in heels. I was entertained, that’s for sure, and I think Jennifer beat Paula when it comes to the former-professional-dancer-cum-pop-star-cum-Idol-judge-performing-on-Idol contest.

Back to the “dubious” (as Ryan put it) task at hand. Jimmy didn’t care for either of Jacob’s performances but loved both of Haley’s (he was not about to back down from his choice of having her sing Gaga.) Jimmy, like me, also loved Scotty’s first song but not so much his second. So basically Jimmy and I think the same except that he likes Haley more than I do.

Scotty was the first to be announced safe, and Ryan tried to make him choose who, between James and Haley or Jacob and Lauren, he also thought was safe. Scotty refused to name names (“I’m not doing that, dude,”) and for that I think he is something of an American folk hero. Just a small one. If not on a Paul Bunyan level, at least Babe-worthy.


Ryan announced that Lauren and Jacob were in the bottom two, and Lauren started crying. I assume she felt the way I did: that she was going home, since Ryan announced tonight’s results would be a “surprise.”  Plus, there was no way she was going to win the Hell's Kitchen omelet cookoff and not go home—that’s asking for too much! But there was no surprise tonight: Jacob finally ended his reign of terror.

I noticed that nobody in the studio audience booed at this announcement the way they do when they disagree with results. Then Jacob said “I think America fell in love with me” and I booed him in my mind.

— What was Steven mouthing after “I love you” and to whom?’

—I have to admit I was a little impressed that James decorated his plate when it came to his omelet, but plate décor will never beat bacon.


—There was something cute but also slightly pathetic about how happy Lauren looked when Ramsay fed her a bite of hot dog.