I didn’t tune in to last week’s results show, so coming back to it tonight, I was reminded of the what-it-isn’t-ness that results shows can be. On Thursday nights, I feel like a local news reporter at a New Years Eve gathering, trying to pretend there’s more going on than there is.


Here’s something: Steven wore a sparkly, purple, long cardigan tonight (along with some St. Patrick’s Day beads.) I swear he gets his clothes from a place called Sassy Fancy Grandma.

Tonight, I saw my first group-singing number of the season, and I will say that it was much, much less excruciating to watch than previous group performances, where nobody looked like they wanted to be there, everybody danced terribly, and whether anyone actually sang was questionable. The boys started off singing “Born to Be Wild,” and the girls did “Born This Way” (get it, after the baby picture-themed week?). The medley was cute and the dance moves not horrifying. I liked the random girl who Casey grabbed as he sang, menacingly, “Never wanna die!” Similarly, the Ford music video lacked hilarious badness. Set to the tune “Val Kilmer,” the gang all watched movies starring themselves. The budget for the videos seems a little bit bigger and the editing a little snappier than last year, so like most things in life you worry about hurting extensively, it was over before we knew it.

Before the results began to be revealed, the contestants sat down for a brief interview on whether they have any hobbies, pets, or ability to speak any other languages (it sounds like extremely awkward first date material). Thia collects quarters with her grandpa, which is either adorable or pitiful, I can’t tell. Pia owns a shih tzu, a dog that’s not safe according to the FOX censors. Apparently America can’t handle the fact that a dog like this exists. Nanny state, indeed.


The lights were dimmed, only not really, because we saw a seasonal green screen and heard some jig music, and then Ryan made an Irish drunk joke. Jacob, Lauren, and Casey were all brought up onstage. I guessed that they’d all be safe, and they were. It also appears as if Casey’s slowly losing some weight as this competition moves on. Paul and Heather were brought out, and I thought about how much less into this season I’d be if Paul was eliminated so early, but fortunately, he was safe, and Haley was in the bottom three.

Last year’s winner, Lee DeWyze, came out to sing his new song “Beautiful Like You.” I feel bad hating on “one of the nicest guys we’ve ever had in the competition,” but he has so little stage presence that I already forget most of his big moments from last season (my favorite, I think, was “That’s Life”). The goatee is still present. I wonder what he’s hiding under there.

Scotty, Pia, and James were all up for elimination, and to no surprise, all three were safe. I like seeing the reaction the contestants get from each other when they return to the couch. It seems like the guys give each other a lot more love than the girls either give or receive, because women just tear each other down, or else they’re all just bitches.


Stefano and Naima were then on the chopping block, and Naima was sent to the bottom three, promising that she will work on her pitch if she made it out alive. Then Karen and Thia were brought out, with Karen being sent to the stools. Out of Karen, Thia, and Haley, I most hoped Haley’d be sent home, but I wasn’t very sure America voted the way I wanted them to (which is to say, if you can’t control your makeup, you have no business being on TV).

Sometimes a Black Eyed Peas performance is such a ridiculous production I secretly enjoy myself, but tonight was not one of those occasions. Will.I.Am wore a hat that looked like a bike helmet shaped into some hair. Fergie was dressed like Marilyn Monroe and massaged a hump during the performance. The song “Just Can’t Get Enough” was dedicated to Japan, I guess, because the Japanese would most appreciate a song that was sung entirely in robot-voice with music video sound effects. And Taboo wore some extremely idiotic pants where the legs were connected to each other via some strips of fabric. The Peas just looked and sounded stupid, as opposed to stupid fun.

I was happy that Naima was then declared safe but not so happy that Karen was the singer who got the least amount of votes. She sang “Hero” again. Poor Karen: I think she deserved to go a little bit later in the competition than this, but you could tell when she sang that she sensed that she was going home. I saw Jennifer shaking her head as she chatted with the other judges. After her performance, Karen cried a bit, and Ryan wiped away her tear (a lot of face-touching in one week for Ryan). Randy said they weren’t unanimous in their decision, but they were not going to save her (I imagine they’re just reserving that in case Pia or Casey unexpectedly gets up there too early).


I like the choice of using “Don’t You Forget About Me” as the show’s exit song, but I can’t stand the David Cook version they use of it. It sounds menacing: You better not forget about me! The judges heading up onstage to console Karen after the elimination was a nice touch, but I noticed that nobody was talking to Steven for a while, so Ryan, nice guy that he is, probably asked him about his sweater.

Stray observations:

  • Pitbull looks like Gary Oldman in The Fifth Element.